Blue

If I win the lottery..... If I win the lottery it will be great. I'm going to buy a plane, hire a pilot and fly wherever I need, to meet all record holders in the Guinness Book. Some fellers, scratch that, all fellers, think one can elevate oneself through personally knowing someone else. (ie) "I have a car with 400 horse power." "Oh yeah? I know a guy who has a car with 406 horsepower." If there are three guys, the third will quip, "My uncle has a car with 409 horsepower." You need to beat the others, but only by a little bit. Wouldn't want them to think you're just talking B.S.

That is going to change. No doubt, I'll be 'the man' when I get back from my trip, "I made 3 pancakes for breakfast." "Oh yeah, I know a guy who made 34,818 pancakes." "My uncle John died the other day but they were able to resuscitate him." "Oh yeah, I know a guy who died 31 times." Yes sir, people are going to think some pretty significant thoughts about me. "I wonder if I should get this mole removed." "I don't know, I know this chick who had a neck tumor that weighed 17.6 pounds." It will be awesome.

I don't need Guiness for everything, I do have some personal achievements. Like the other day when I sprayed a bunch of wasps that were building a new nest under my eave. My son said there were 28. I get a kick out of the fact that someone would actually take the time to count those dead wasps, probably wants to brag about his old man someday. Who would do something like that, count dead wasps? Actually there were 29, I guess he must have missed one. The point is, any accomplishment can have astounding significance. My son doesn't have to lower his head when people start bragging about their old man. He can stand proud.

It occurred to me just now, that I don't even need to meet all the record holders, just the important ones. "I can run the 100 meter hurdles in 21 seconds flat." "Oh yeah, I know this chick that does it in 22.35." When the guy scoffs at that feat I'll give him a second to make a total fool of himself before I announce, "In swim fins." It's going to be grand.

Driving tip: You know how that jerk in the left lane who has to pull into the crosswalk area at a red light and make it really tough for you to turn right? You have to put your hood out in traffic to see around that idiot. Think about that next time YOU are in the left lane. When they make it OK for all of us good, considerate drivers to pound all the idiot drivers, you want to be on the right side. I know there are a lot more of them than us but we can take em. You'll have me on your side and I am over 60 percent Irish (and killed 29 wasps). You might not think that's a big deal but that will change when you find out that I know 1253 people who, on July 18, 2008 in Castleblayney, Co Monaghan, Ireland, painted themselves blue and dressed as Smurfs.....You thought it was going to be about beer. (it probably was.) When the good versus evil drivers battle breaks out we need to remember to stay sober.