Economics

When I think about camping I fantasize about laying back looking at the stars, holding hands around the campfire while singing Kumbaya, and a refreshing swim in a cool lake. Hotels cost upwards of a hundred dollars a night. Restaurant meals aren't cheap and most venues require something resembling first and last month's rent to let you in the door. A family can pack up the old wagon, head for the hills, and spend a weekend getting back to nature without having to worry about how they are going to pay the power next month. Yes sir, why give all your money to Corporate America when nature is just sitting there waiting to be enjoyed.

We have this terrific tent. It set us back four bills but it has two rooms and a zip porch. When we go out for a weekend the thing folds so small that we have no trouble tossing our camp stove 49.99 at Sears, our sleeping bags, 12.99 each for the kids and 137.49 at Cabella's for the mom and dad (it's a good one but we're the mom and dad), all the accessories like lamps, dishes, coolers, folding table, chairs (I could go on and on but you get the idea), 1,365.87 at Wal Mart, Jim's Sporting Goods, Sears and Pottery Barn (I don't know what we got at Pottery Barn but when I saw the receipt Carol said it was for camping so I'm sure it was money well spent). Oh yeah, and our boat, 35,486.23 at Bill's Best Boats (it's a little under powered but has two swim steps and Bill told me in secret that it was a real good deal).

Anyhow, we load up and pile in the old Suburban, 58,472.26 at Karl's Chevrolet (it's a little over powered but Karl told me personally that we were getting a steal), go down to Quicky Gas to top off the tanks, 172.55 (lucky the boat was still full because it rained the whole time we were out last) and we're on our way. When we get to 'the lake' (ever notice how odd it is that there are millions of lakes in the U.S. and they're all named 'the'?) we meet up with my brother and his crew. He has a 35 foot self contained camp trailer that must have cost him over ten grand (fools and their money) but he figures he can afford it because he didn't buy a boat (he says you don't need a boat, you just need to know someone who has one).

When you get to 'the lake' and put your boat in the water, you sort of remember lecturing your son about never leaving the keys in the ignition (someone might start it up in the driveway, that would be awful, so it's best to keep them safe in a kitchen drawer). You drag the thing back up the ramp and park it over by the edge of the lot where people might think you park it when you're not at 'the lake', and didn't just forget the keys so you can't use it even though you really are at 'the lake'.

It's around 700 degrees in the tent so you spend the afternoon playing pinochle in your brother's trailer (I wish he would have upgraded a little, the air conditioner was so loud you could barely hear the birds and crickets outside. You go to 'the lake' to enjoy nature don't you?) At dinner time you slog back to the tent to make some grub (that's what you call food when at 'the lake') and Carol is sort of looking down her nose at you.

I love my wife but, just between us, she really isn't too bright. She gave me a list when I told her I was going to the store. She didn't even think that I might see our neighbor and spend an hour in the driveway showing him our boat and explaining about how camping is a way better way to enjoy a weekend than dumping a couple hundred bucks at an amusement park. She actually thought I would pick up the supplies. We've been married a long time and she still has faith in me. Like I said, slow learner. Anyhow, you gather up the gang, walk back to your brother's camper, and ask if he might share some food. He is your brother, he has to feed you.

Come evening, you get ready to build a campfire for the sing-a-long but hear that they are getting ready to vote someone off the island on your brother's TV. So you spend the evening curled up with your wife on his couch and catch a little idiots in the wilderness action til bedtime. Next morning you load it all back up and head for the house. You really feel content and are glad you spent your free time enjoying nature with your family and not standing in line at some dumb amusement park. The sunburn and bug bights you earned at 'the lake' are badges of honor, not at all like the stupid ones you get throwing your money away at Six Flags.

I think I just might jump on the computer and look up the words to Kumbaya. Next week will be fantastic and I will save some real dough, this will be the second week in a row I don't have to buy gas for the boat.

Driving tip: Sometimes your car tells you things. When you turn your steering wheel and you hear a variable pitched awwwerrrruuuoooohhhaawwwerr, you should check your power steering fluid. If your brakes squeal high pitched all the time except when you step on them the sensor is telling you to replace them. If they squeal when you step on them but are quiet the rest of the time they are glazed. They got hot trying to hold your boat back on that hill or you drive with one foot on the brake and one on the gas. You can't do both, one foot, one pedal, that's the rule. A really high pitched squeal when you rev the engine usually indicates a loose fan belt. A long horn honk from the car behind means the light has changed and shrieking and screaming from the passengers means you should pay better attention to the road.