Equestrian?

I guess it's time I told you what I know about horses, tack, and latigo....
Enough of that, my next topic... Wait a minute, I know about horses. Why just the other day I asked some youngster what he knew about latigo. The silly goose said it was a big leather strap used to tie a cinch to a saddle. I laughed hard at that one. Obviously somebody hasn't heard of Stan Lynde.

As a little guy, I guess about eight or nine, I spent part of a summer on a dairy ranch. That is where I met Slim. Slim was a retired quarter horse used primarily for calf roping. The horse was superbly trained. He was stunning, you could rein him with one hand. If you threw a rope at a calf he would stop immediately and back up to hold the rope tight so the cowboy could throw and tie the critter. If you made a chick chick sound with your cheek and tongue that horse would instantly take off like a shot. He knew if there wasn't anyone aboard, and his reins were hanging loose, he shouldn't move, no matter what. What a great horse. I loved that horse.

I would get on him and, if someone other than me went chick chick, I would get up off the ground, go to where he was standing after he realized I was no longer aboard and his reins were loose, get back on, and away we'd go. I took him to a pasture to practice roping one day, all cowboys need to know how to throw a lasso. We were on a dead run and I tossed my lariat at a fence post. The instant that rope landed on the ground, about 12 feet from my target, the horse stopped and backed up. I landed closer to the post than my rope but I figured I was on to something. Why throw a rope around a calf? If your horse has the ability to throw you around the calf you're a step ahead aren't you? I learned about headers and heelers that summer. A heeler is a guy who can toss his lariat and ensnare the back legs of a calf. A header is what you take when your horse stops when you aren't ready. All those things considered, a young boy loves his horse.

One great afternoon me and old Slim were loping along across some field and came to some railroad tracks. The bed was raised about five feet above the field, and pretty steep. I decided to get off and lead my best pal up the side, over the tracks, and down the opposite slope. I was plenty cowboy enough, but I wasn't sure if he was horse enough to get that done with me on top. Halfway up I slipped, my foot slid back down the hill, and that dumb horse stepped on it. He didn't just step on it. When I slipped I let go of the reins so he stood on my sideways foot and that son of a bitch wouldn't move. I started punching him in the foreleg and he just stood there muttering something about his training. I finally remembered to get hold of the reins and back him off me. I hated that horse.

As a matter of fact, I think I might hate all horses. One time I was riding my brother's horse Gypsie, and found out I am actually faster than a horse. We were going around a corner at a cantor. I think we were actually running but when you're writing about horses you need to use words like cantor and lope. Lope, that's what I was, a lope for ever getting on one of those things. We were going around a corner and I let her have a little extra rein. I figure why be stingy, I had all that rein, why not share? Next thing I know, I see her head passing about 3 feet below me as I fly past, and above, her. She thought it was pretty funny but if we were racing to that piece of ground I broke my wrist on, I would have kicked her butt.

No real cowboy ever led his life without getting tossed off more than one horse. The difference between me and cowboys is, they keep doing it again. I, on the other hand, switched to a 350 cc dirt bike, no one ever got hurt on one of those but that's a different story.

Driving tip: Winter is coming, buy a couple bags of kitty litter and throw them in your trunk. When you are at the market and they ask if you need help to your car, say yes. Kitty litter is clean, (new kitty litter is recommended) and, if you have rear wheel drive, gives you a little weight. At any rate you can use it to sand your way out of a slick parking spot. Or sand your grandmother's way across a slick sidewalk. In the spring, take it back to the store if you didn't open it, and tell the kid to get that stuff out of your trunk.