Entertainment

What a morning, I mis-typed morning just now and it came out moron. I guess that might fit, depending on who you ask. I apologize for the late entry and ask that you immediately stop calling your internet provider. They have all been inundated, and suggested that I got some splane-ing to do. Should you hyphenate splaning? I think so, otherwise it reads like splanning. Anyway, I'm late for the most accepted reason since the beginning of time. The cable guy was coming. What a powerful three word sentence. If you are late for a court appointment and the judge furiously asks you if you're trying to make a mockery of his court, just throw that at him, or her. An immediate apology from the bench will follow.

My cable always works great till the last ten minutes of whatever I am watching. When the picture goes away it's awful, I mean it's like runny eggs and warm beer. You can't stand the eggs but you manage to make-do with the beer. After about seven of them, you figure the eggs might not be so bad and, I know I don't have to tell you..... that is always a mistake. They know just how to play you too. You're waiting there, all mad and stuff, but the guy doesn't show. By the time he does nock you have gone through all seven stages. Shock and denial, (What the? This damn thing can't be broken again.), Pain and Guilt, ( Man, my hand hurts where I punched that TV. I'm sure sorry I did that.), Anger and Bargaining, (That really pisses me off. Maybe I'll offer the cable guy some warm beer or, he might want to polish off those eggs.), Depression, Reflection, Loneliness, (My life sucks, nobody gives a crap if I watch TV. A man with no TV has no friends.) The upward turn, (Maybe I could read a book, TV is a waste, I might become intellectual.) Reconstruction, ( I guess I should repair that hole in the wall, I never should have thrown the remote so hard.), and finally, Acceptance, (I guess I will just go through life without Family Guy.)

Exactly when you reach that point, the bell rings. You greet the dude like he's Santa Clause. You offer him beer (and eggs), he fixes your set and only bills you two hundred dollars. You can't write the check out fast enough. Those eggs slide down really well when you're watching a good reality show. You heard that heat promotes healing and put the beer can on your tender knuckles. It is 16 degrees outside but so what, the beer will keep you warm and the heater guy will probably be there any minute.

Driving tip: If your seat belt rubs your neck on a long trip, get yourself a chip clip, or any spring loaded clamp. Get in, put the belt on, and get comfortable. After ascertaining where the belt wants to be, pull it out a quarter of an inch and clamp it. Do, absolutely not, pull it out so as to make it loose. Doing that also makes it useless. If you need to wear earmuffs because the clamp keeps whacking you in the side of the head, get a smaller clamp.