Board Games

There are definite signs that a project or event isn't going well if you pay attention. Say you are standing on a ladder removing limbs from a tree. You drop a branch, look down to see it land and notice your left foot laying on the pile. If you're pragmatic like me, the first thing you think is, "How the hell did I do that?" That thought is quickly followed by panic, "How am I going to get down this ladder?" or, "Carol is going to kill me when she sees these pants." and a little self pity, "No one is going to want to dance with me Friday night." Then you start the should haves, "I should have put the trampoline at the base of the ladder." and the I wishes, "I wish I hadn't just bought those high dollar boots." followed by the next times, "Next time I won't wear my good pants."

You're pulling your brand new boat down a steep hill. You're going about 40 MPH when your boat gets in the passing lane and goes around you doing about 60. Your first reaction is to slap the person next to you, point, and between roars of laughter say, "Look at that! Some dumb ass lost his boat." Your second thought is, "Hey, his boat is just like mine." Followed by panic, "I hope his boat didn't hit mine." and a little self pity, "At the rate that boat is going he'll, beat us to 'the lake'. Then you start with the should haves, "I should have been going sixty two." followed by the I wishes, " I wish I had two feet." and the next times, "Next time I'm going to have someone else take down those limbs."

You're at your daughter's high school prom when the principal walks up to you and says, "Aren't you a little old to be at prom? You get all pragmatic and think, "I'm not a kid anymore, if I got in a real good shot I'll bet I could take you now." Followed by a little panic, "What if he smells beer on my breath?" and a little self pity, "I bet no one here is going to want to dance with me either." Then comes the should haves, "I should have worn my Bobby Rydell T-shirt." and the I wishes, "I wish I hadn't wrecked my boat." and the next times, "Next time I'm going to use gin, I heard they can't smell gin."

Treat life like a game of chess. If you notice subtle signs that things aren't going well you should just calm down, wait till nobody is looking, and rearrange the pieces.

Driving tip: I don't care how big and tough you are, if we get in a fight and you decide that now would be a good time to text all your buds that you are in a fight, you are gonna get smacked a few times. I practically guarantee it. There are over 200 million registered vehicles in the U.S. Trust me, when you are on the road, you are in a fight. I'm sure that all drivers are competent, careful operators. I'm sure the moon is made of cheese. If you take your eyes off the opponent, even for a second, you are going to get smacked. Maybe not, but if you think it's OK to text while you're supposed to be driving, you really do need a beating.