Crowd Control

I just found out I'm getting a new grand child. Pretty exciting stuff. Got me to thinking about names, good ones, bad ones and how they can affect a person. There are obvious conclusions like if General George Washington were named Colonel Mustard he would never have commanded our armies and become father of our country. No crossing the Delaware at midnight to engage the British for him, the most he could have hoped for would have been a little rendezvous in the library with Miss Scarlet and maybe a wrench or candlestick.

If you have a son, a name like Rocky or Big Dog is much better than a stupid name like Pipsqueak or Jerry. Someday a son might have to introduce himself to some big dude named Apollo, you don't want him to have to say "Hey Apollo this is my girlfriend Adrian and I'm Pipsqueak." Apollo would have no choice but to kick sand in his face. Adrian would be all embarrassed and probably walk off holding hands with Apollo. Can you imagine how ridiculous it would be to have a big guy in a black space suit with a huge head say, "Luke, I am your father, Lord Jerry."

Some Jerrys wouldn't mind if they were, and probably should be, called Lord. I've even heard that some of them have fairly large heads. So What! Large heads tend to yield giant brains. Ever think of that? Maybe guys with big heads named Jerry aren't freaks at all. If Jerry's name was Exalted Emperor you wouldn't be so quick to throw out comments about over sized melons and stuff like that now would you.

The right name can determine the outcome of a really bad situation. When you got to the final pages with the lightning flashing, bats circling, horses stomping around and neighing and stuff, the part where Frankenstein stood on that castle wall facing the horde of people at the gate... If his name would have been Mother Theresa he could have said, "Hey angry mob! Quit being so angry!" They would have been a little embarrassed, looked at each other with sheepish grins, put down the pitchforks, extinguished some of the torches and you would have seen them all sort of shuffle away mumbling. A whole different ending than the one you get with the name Mary Shelly chose. I'm sure people tried to tell her that story would never achieve any real success with such a stupid name for the protagonist and she obviously listened. Does everybody listen? Did my parents pay attention when friends told them to name me Mark or Biff? This blog might be a little more successful if I was named Stephen King, or maybe John Grisham. 

If King George Three's dad called him Pee Wee the revolutionary war might never have been fought. "Hey Bostonians, Pee Wee wants to get money from tea." The colonists would not have said, "To Arms!" They would have said, "A tax on tea from King Pee Wee?" People would not have been so quick to anger if they had been ordered to quarter Pee Wee's troops. You just can't get all worked up and revolt against a guy named Pee Wee, that's just the way it is.

I hope a little thought goes into names chosen by the new moms and pops out there. Elizabeth is a fine name for a little girl but Elizabeth, Queen of England, has a more noble ring.

Driving tip: Parallel parking is really not that difficult. I have developed a technique that makes that chore quite easily accomplished. The standard way is to pull up even with and fairly close to the car you intend to park behind. Begin backing straight up and when your front door is even with the parked car's back door quickly start cranking the wheel. When your head is even with the back bumper start cranking the other way. The whole maneuver should be done in one fluid action. Don't stop while you turn the wheel. My better way is to circle the block until there are at least five adjacent open spaces, the last one being at the corner. Pull in there and go shopping.