Simple Things

The bathtub faucet had a steady drip....drip....drip. Being fairly handy I got out my trusty tools and took the thing apart, a simple enough 2 dollar repair. While I was at it I decided I might as well replace the weathered old spigot with a shiny new one. What's five bucks? Sometimes I have found that old spigots are very difficult to remove. You might have to really, really lean on a big wrench to get them off.

Did you know that if you repair a bathroom faucet and change the spigot that, after leaning really hard on the wrench, replacing all the old parts and turning the water back on, the drip at the spigot will stop but a new one where the hot water pipe attaches to the faucet valve will appear? Another thing I'd like to share is that if your brother tells you that trying to re-solder an old copper pipe to an old faucet is a bad idea, he is probably right. Sometimes, if you do that, a drip....drip....drip will turn into a drip, drip....drip, drip....drip, drip.

More advice would be to share that,  if you ever need access to the plumbing in case you have to change the whole thing out, tearing the sheet-rock off the wall in the hallway behind the faucet with the new parts and the drip drip in the pipe is better than ripping the ceramic tile off the shower wall. Sometimes, if you're like me, that takes all day and may require an additional 150 dollars in parts.

Anyhow, if you're married to me, when you get home from work in the afternoon there will be a brand new piece of unpainted green sheet-rock where a pristine wall stood when you left for just that morning. Sometimes when a girl comes home from work she stands in the hall and cries a little bit. I know what you're thinking, "How did he do that for only a hundred and fifty?" Well, that didn't include the sheet-rock or the paint and texture that I'll undoubtedly have to buy someday if I ever finish that ten minute two dollar project but by gosh my faucet doesn't leak. (It didn't last night anyway.)

Driving tip: If you find that your windshield is covered with what used to be happy little flying bugs and turn on the washer to clean them off those bug parts will render you completely blind by effectively covering the glass with a film of the highest density. This event will be compounded if it is night as headlights from oncoming traffic are magnified tenfold by smeared bug film. Don't test this advice while driving on a crowded highway at night. Pull over somewhere safe before turning on the wipers. If your washer fluid reservoir has enough reserve to finish the job, the bug blind film of doom will go away but it takes a few seconds. A few seconds at highway speeds is a long time to be bug-blinded. If you're short on water find a rag, paper towel, old underwear, whatever is available and manually help the washers.

Kid Games

I once worked with a real jerk. He always wanted to play those little kid games, the kind of a guy who would sneak up and push you while you were trying to get a drink. Man I hated that guy, you wait in line for ten minutes and just when you're about to score your Bud Lites somebody pushes you? I used to belt him in the arm and holler "Blue one." That was so funny, sometimes there wasn't a blue one at all but I'd do it anyway.

So there we were, grown men, and he would want to share a confidence and ask you to pinky swear. PINKY swear? All real men know that pinky swearing is for girls. It came to the point where you would hide at work just to avoid that creep. Those days used to just drag on, standing there, in that closet, or sitting there under the stairs just waiting for that magic clock on the wall to declare Ollie Ollie Oxen Free. Time to go home.

Home is where I became "king of the hill", my wife always said I got a little too rough with the kids. "They're just small." she didn't understand. I knew they were five and seven and how hard they worked to get to the top but when you're king you have to make a statement. You have to shove them hard enough to make them fall down and roll back down that hill if you want to stay king. That's just how it is. You have to man up once in a while, you don't one potato two potato to decide who's king, that would be childish and stupid.

There is one thing that ultimately defines a person's character. One true indicator that lets us know if integrity is their mainstay, valor their vehicle. If you ever want to know beyond a doubt the true worth of a guy....Jynx you owe me a Coke. I know you were thinking the same thing as me just then. You don't have to say it. If you think it the same time as me and I Jynx you, you still owe me a Coke. Ask your mom, she'll tell you.

Back to integrity. If you want to know if you should follow a person, vote for someone, or even respect someone, simply ask yourself one question. Is that the type of person who would have taken their deads? If they pass that test they are truly someone to befriend.

Driving tip: So you're out in the middle of nowhere, driving like a teenager, kick up a rock and now your gas tank is leaking. Just take a cake of bath soap and rub it back and forth over the leak. Don't have any bath soap? Get some. This is by no means a permanent fix. Bath soap will stop a gasoline leak (until it rains) but a permanent repair should be done immediately.

Disclaimer: I know all teenagers don't drive the way I did. Some of them were responsible competent vehicle operators who were always diligent and respectful of others. I also know the moon is made of cheese.

Girls: When you were a kid and playing war or Cowboys and Indians and got shot you had to lay there for a twenty count. That's called taking your deads. There were always some Donny Don't Dies who would get shot. You knew they were only down for a three count and when you were sneaking by them to get a bead on Billy they would jump up and shoot you in the back, the bastards.

Painting

It was early morning and she looked stunning as she disappeared behind the bathroom door. The little six year old started to follow but was pulled aside by the old man. The child looked up, confusion drawn on his innocent face. The old man simply nodded, put his hand on the boy's shoulder and waited. Soon the woman's humming stopped. The old man's features became wary and he squeezed the boy's shoulder. A sudden small scream came from the bathroom. The old man looked at the boy and exclaimed, "Old razor." The sound of the blow dryer began loud and clear. A sudden snap, a faulting of the dryer and a "What the he.." The man explained to the boy that he had done a repair on her dryer and somehow lost a screw, "It sounds like she found it." A few minutes later the woman hooted loudly. The child looked up to hear. "Curling irons can get pretty hot sometimes."

Minutes ticked by and the humming resumed if only momentarily. A painful, "Ouch" followed by a second and then a third. "Tweezers" muttered the man, "Eyebrows." The frustrated sound, "It's like a fight." came through the door. The all-knowing mentor said, "Old mascara." An exasperated, "Oooooh." "Eye poke" said the man. A few seconds of silence leading to an, "OH MY GOSH!" The young boy was counseled to never look at the roots of a woman's hair and if you do, keep your mouth shut. The sound of a sliding chair was followed by a, "How did this shirt get so wrinkled?" The man pulled the boy back a few steps and the door opened.

It was early morning and she looked stunning as she appeared from behind the bathroom door. She headed for the laundry room saying something about ironing her shirt.

The boy asked, "Why would she put herself through all that?" The answer was, "To make herself beautiful for us."

"But she was already beautiful."

"That, my boy, is the one thing men know that women don't."

"If we tell her will she stop hurting herself like that?"

"We as men need to tell her and often, but no she won't ever stop. I think it's something they learn on a place called Venus."

"Are all women from Venus?"

"That's what they say."

"Where do men come from?"

"I'm not sure but I think it's probably Sears or Home Depot, isn't that the shirt you had on yesterday?"

Driving tip: If you listen to man verses woman go down the road in a vehicle you'll notice a woman's car sound is steady, a man's car is constantly changing from loud to quiet and back. Women tend to hold their foot steady, a man accelerates, slows down and then accelerates again. Women tend to get better mileage than men, that's a fact. Cruise control will do two things. First, say you set it at sixty five MPH. You will maintain that speed and get better mileage. Second, if mileage isn't a concern then, in an attention on your part, it will make sure you don't go under sixty five.

Music

Don't you just hate it when you're sixteen, at some party, hoping some chick will notice you, trying to figure a way to stand out from the crowd and all of a sudden this dude picks up a tambourine and starts wiggling it around? You've been there, he catches a few eyes, makes sure the right people are looking and almost on cue starts belting out a version of Black Dog by Zeppelin. The guy is really good. He is making that tambourine talk as if it had a mind of its own. He takes a break, relaxes a little and over in the corner you hear somebody start the introduction to Dueling Banjos on a set of maracas. This could get interesting. The tambourine guy declines the challenge and maraca man doesn't miss a beat. He starts right into Beethoven's Fifth. Guess he figures a little classical stuff will really set him up with the ladies.

Obviously there were no trained musicians in the crowd because no one seemed to notice his mistakes. I mean the guy started off well enough. Shake shake shake shaaaaaaaake. Shake shake shake shaaaaaaaake. Any fool knows that the last note on the introduction requires a seven A shake. Eight A's is ridiculous. Beethoven would have slapped that dude silly.

Being a kid and thinking I might snake a little of the limelight for myself I pulled my triangle out of it's simulated leather case and started plinking out a little Oakie From Muskogee. I generated no enthusiasm at all. That kind of set me back, I guessed there wasn't a red-necked woman in the place.

That was a long time ago. I found myself at another party the other day and noticed a shy young boy over in the corner. He looked a little anxious and I saw him fumbling with the zipper on a small simulated leather case of his own. I walked over, stood next to him and without making eye contact said, "Put it away kid, unless you can do Devil Went Down to Georgia on that triangle you're wasting your time. Nobody cares about Haggard anymore." Sometimes you just have to move on.

I still have the old triangle. Every once in a while I get together with Terrance Tambourine, Mark Maraca and, once in a great while, Connie Cowbell. If she shows up those Kiss cover songs are magic.

Driving tip: If you miss your exit you can always turn around. If you notice your off ramp, jump three lanes to make it and get ran over by a semi, that turn around option is less available. Just calm down. You can get pissed at everybody else on the highway because there is no doubt that it is their fault you didn't get over a little sooner but you can't kill one of them or yourself over a missed off ramp. That is just not acceptable in modern society. I missed an off ramp one time and had to travel an additional half mile before I could get off and go back to where I should have been. My life was ruined but I didn't get ran over by a semi.

Grandma

Taking a real look at people can bring revelations untold. Seventy five year old Mrs. Jorelson was in Wally World the other day and I saw her buy 25 one and a half pound exercise weights. I just happened to be outside after she checked out and watched her put them in her trunk, one at a time.

"Nice day Mrs. Jorelson." That sweet smile had oatmeal cookies and lemonade written all over it. "Oh my, it's truly a blessed day indeed sonny."

She lives down the block from me and you see her practically skip by every morning practicing her fitness regimen. There is a loop about a mile long in our neighborhood and I just happened to be walking near her house as she began. What I saw was a little girl in this old woman's body. She was sort of singing as she briskly hop skipped along swinging one of her new weights.

"Twenty five, stay alive. Twenty four shut the door. Twenty three for you and me. Twenty two I have a shoe."

Four houses up she bent over and scratched Peterson's dog Princess behind her ears. Princess loved her. She rounded the corner and slowed her pace just a bit. We live in Texas and even though it was early it was 93 degrees out.

"Seventeen don't be mean. Sixteen keep your hands clean."

Malloy's gate was open and she stopped for a second to latch it for them. She was more walking than skipping now but still singing and swinging that weight. When we rounded the next corner she stopped under a shade tree to catch her breath and twitter at a small bird in the branch above her. Off she went again.

"Eleven I'm going to Heaven. Number ten I'm going to win."

By corner number four the weight was hanging limp by her side and the walk resembled more of a slog. A little Chihuahua scampered up..."Did she just kick that dog? I think that old lady kicked that dog." The song was more of a chant now.

"Number five stay alive number four walking's a chore."

At the bottom of the loop she was kind of bent over a little and holding her hip with one hand. Beads of sweat were dripping off her forehead and the corners of her mouth were racing each other for the bottom of her chin. She stepped off the sidewalk near her flowerbed and threw that weight at her neighbor's cat. She tagged the little guy a good one but it flew out of there so fast its tail was hardly keeping up.

She smiled and headed for her door.

"Number two buckle my shoe number one I have twenty four left and I'll get you yet you little son of a bitch."

Sometimes, when you see somebody all grouchy and crabby, you shouldn't form an instant opinion. They might be sweet, gentle people that have simply reached the bottom of their loop.

Driving tip: Give yourself a little running room on an on-ramp. I get a kick out of seeing seven cars bumper to bumper approaching a crowded highway. No doubt there will be a space seven cars long for them to merge into when they get to that point. If the car in front of you is a good distance ahead and you are paying attention to the interstate you can find a space, adjust your speed and go on down the highway. Don't worry about the guy behind you, it doesn't matter how fast you go he is probably back there about nine inches. If your car is twenty three feet long, nine inches ahead of him and you guys are doing sixty miles an hour he could have a problem if there is only thirty feet of space in the oncoming traffic. He is going to have to slow down and the car nine inches behind him could cause complications. Don't be either of those guys.  

In California, they installed traffic lights on the on-ramps that let one car go every five seconds. The cars leave the bottom of the ramp spaced pretty well. Most Californians have figured out that if you really mash on your gas you can still be nine inches away from the leaders and try to merge seven cars at a time. Pretty hilarious really.

Off Balance

You know how when you were a little kid you went sleigh riding and you didn't have decent gloves or boots but it was 10 above zero out so it was no big deal? You know how that was? Most of my toes recovered as much as 80 percent. I can't balance well or stand on one foot anymore but I did have a good time for the first half hour or so. Its kind of funny really, people think I'm tough because I can shut my hand in a car door or grab a hot skillet without a potholder and not even wince. I don't tell them that I haven't been able to feel my hands since that good time back in 1965, I just let them think I'm a bad ass.

You know how when little Timmy Tootbutt made fun of you because you were so cold, standing there shivering, and you thought, if I could just bend my fingers into a fist you'd be sorry? Then your piece of cardboard started to get a little frayed and the rich kids that actually had sleds and gloves thought they were all hot because they could fly by you with little effort and then you had to explain to the grownups that that piece of your box came off accidentally and you had no intention of deliberately leaving it in the path so little Timmy Tightass would hit it, veer off the trail, hit that tree and bounce over the side of the hill (Those rocks at the bottom were a real bonus). Remember how good you felt?

You know how, when you finally got home you put your hands in hot water to thaw them out? Lucky for you the pee inside you was frozen or it surely would have shot down your leg. Remember thinking how bad your life sucked? There you were....home, miserable, getting yelled at by your mom because when you jerked your hands out of that hot water you splashed your poor little sister and then ran over her on your way to the bathroom and all the while that disgusting little Timmy Torn Tendon was getting his cast signed by all the girls.When your fingernails turned all black and then fell off that was kind of cool but the point is you took comfort knowing things would change when you grew up.

Remember how, when you were a young adult coaching little league and most of the kids had decent gloves and stuff and you saw a little boy crying in the dugout because all the guys were teasing him about his lack of baseball skills and calling him little Tommy Terriblethrow? You knew that was Timmy Tightwads's kid (you still hated Timmy) but you couldn't believe the rage you felt at those other guys and you made them run laps for being jerks and you taught that kid how to play baseball and he started to fit in and every game he sat and watched for his dad to come. Timmy Tongue Twister finally did bother to come to a game one day and he walked up to you at home plate, laughed and said, "Bet you wish your kid was as good as mine." You screamed "Infield fly!" and slapped him hard on the side of his miserable face, hollered, "Got it.", smiled at little Timmy Trivial Testees and walked off. Your wife asked why you slapped him and you said, "Still have trouble making a fist."

Then you mature, see a picture of little Timmy Too Truculent and realize he got old and ugly. If you avoid mirrors you still see yourself as trim and fit, handsome and young. You do feel a little remorse, he is holding a gavel in his hand, sitting there presiding over that gathering of citizens who are better than, and know what's best for, everybody else. You have a wonderful life, awesome wife and the greatest kids and grandkids that ever existed. It would be kind of cool though if you could bend your fingers around a stick.

Driving tip: You drive your own car. Don't let anyone, or anything, make decisions for you. I know of an incident where, in my opinion, both drivers were at fault. A young girl thought she could make the light. It had only been orange for a second and she was moving pretty good. A young boy was going to beat his competition off the line. His eyes were glued to the cross traffic's signal, it was orange, things were about to happen. Just like at a race track when his light turned green, or maybe just before, he mashed on the gas. He had no idea she was coming, she couldn't believe how he appeared from nowhere. They didn't get hurt, luckily, but they did ruin each other's paint. Paint is important.

Don't let that traffic light decide what you should do. Even if the light is green you should still check both directions before crossing the intersection. If your buddy says you can make the sharp corner before the bridge at fifty miles an hour but you think thirty five is more like it, DON'T go fifty just to see if he was right. If thirty five turns out to be a piece of cake then next time go crazy, try it at thirty seven. Remember the old saying: "If your friends told you to drive your car off a bridge would you?"

Rules To Live By

Time to share my vast knowledge of sports. I get frustrated when I talk to people who don't have any basic concept of the rules of play of some of my favorite games. Big deal in the news today about golfer Dustin Johnson's grounding the club at Whistling Straights. Fact is, no matter how bad your club is you can't tell it to get in the bag and stay there till it learns its lesson. Rules are rules I don't make them I just play by them. Another common use of the term grounding the club is when grandpa tells the little league team they have to stay in the dug-out till they learn how to act like responsible seven year olds. That is a particularly tough one as most grown men don't have the capacity to act like responsible seven year olds. What do people expect?

In basketball there is something called the three second rule. Pretty self explanatory but for you novices it simply states that if an offensive player is in the key and drops his gum on the floor he must retrieve it within three seconds or is no longer allowed to put it back in his mouth. Younger players often forget about the three second rule and penalties are common. There is another rule in basketball called the illegal pick screen. It simply states that, "Even if you hide your face with your free hand you must keep all fingers out of your nose while playing basketball."

There is a rule in baseball stating, "A batter has legally completed his time at bat when he is put out or becomes a runner." I would always tell my little leaguers, "If no one is looking they should take off while at bat, effectively becoming a runner." Most umpires are not well-versed on this rule and who suffers? Little kids, damn umpires. It is true that most of my experience is with little league but the controversial infield fly rule applies in all of baseball. There has to be less than two outs and the bases occupied so as to create a force at third. In all of baseball, but especially in little league, the rule states, "If a fly is hit in the infield..." (the rule gets a little ambiguous here but I assume with whatever object is at hand, bat, hat, glove or, if available, a fly swatter, most players can't resist an opportunity to ogle a dead fly, some will even try to pick it up to chase girls. (Girls think dead flies are oogy.) Anyhow, if a fly has been hit in the infield it is deemed unfair to inflict a double-play. Pretty straightforward when you think about it.

Football rules are a different animal altogether. I think if a team collectively weighs more than a truck full of hay and is slightly less intelligent than said hay, then rules should never be enforced. If you are a football player that crack about intelligence was directed at the other guys, not you. You get it..... you and me buddy.

And the toughest sport of all....bowling. You ever see the captain of a basketball team walk up to the tip off puffing on a cigarette? No. The center of a football team get down and dirty at the line of scrimmage with a whiskey neat in his hand? How bad-ass is that? Bowling is so tough that they have to have driers on the field for some of the athlete's body parts and I have never seen a bowling match called on account of rain. Never! Bowlers don't care if it's a hundred degrees out or forty below. They always perform. After several of those whiskey neats some of them really, really perform. I've never seen a golfer do a stand up comedy routine while addressing a ball. Bowlers do that a lot. If you are a bowler I was talking about the other guys. You get it.....you and me buddy.

Don't you dare take a shot at me for my interpretation of some of these rules. Next time you're at a little league game and you notice a little winged creature approach the play area, I know you're going to scream, "Infield fly, Infield fly!"

Driving tip: If your brakes fail the backup, or emergency brake will come in handy. Remember it's there. If you hold the release button while using the E-brake you can regulate the brake pressure with your arm or foot (not and or, just or) depending on the type of brake. Activating the brake while not holding the release button might cause the rear wheels to lock. Be careful, get off the road and get some help.

Spit On Your Bat Before You Swing

On Friday the 13th you'll find people cowering in corners, hiding in their bathrooms, afraid of their shadows. Not me, superstition has never been a trademark for me, knock on wood. I just think it's crazy I mean it's like the other day. I was walking under this ladder, Carol saw me and threw salt over her shoulder. Wouldn't you know I got some in my eye and when grappling for a towel, stepped on a black cat's tail. The thing shrieked like a banshee, Carol said, "I knew it!" I rolled my eyes and pulled the rabbit's foot from my pocket to dab at my sore eye.

I assured her that all those wives' tales and beliefs were nonsense and turned to go to the bedroom when this bird had flew into our house. Mr. Crow wound up in our bathroom. The thing saw a mirror, flew into it and broke its neck. I guess that was bad luck....for that stupid bird. I scraped the poor little guy up and headed for the garage laughing about all that superstition junk but when I passed through the living room I ran smack into Ben and Betty, our neighbors. Carol got along with them but every time they came around my candle just sort of blew out. I kept walking, they followed. I started telling everybody how dumb all that Friday the thirteenth crap was when I noticed my horseshoe had slipped and was now hanging upside down. That got me to thinking about horses which turned to cows and one of my favorites, "If a cow lifts it's tail then rain will follow." I laughed and thought, Damn straight, that one makes sense, if you're stupid enough to be standing under that tail. 

Things got kind of busy then. I noticed a grey hair and without thinking pulled it out. Ten more grew in it's place. How weird was that? I yanked them out and to my horror ten times ten popped up. Ben looked at me with obvious confusion, "Why are you yanking Betty's hair out?" I just stood there dumbfounded. Betty looked in that broken mirror above my workbench, saw her hair and shrieked. Out the door they went. Carol gave me one of those what's the deal looks and exclaimed that all the bad omens were manifesting. She mentioned we would probably never see those two again. I shook my head at her belief in that garbage, shoved my hand in my pocket, caressed my four leaf clover, smiled and said, "Maybe not, with any luck."

That night I set the alarm and climbed into bed, relaxed and started to drift off but suddenly panicked, I had set the alarm, it's on Carol's side, I got into bed on Carol's side, man oh man, I hope I remember to get up on her side in the morning. What if I forget and get up on my side? She put her hand on my face and asked what I was so worried about. I told her I wished she wasn't so superstitious all the time. She laughed and said she knew it was all bunk but it was fun. I climbed over her, hopped up and walked around to my side. She looked at me all confused, "What are you doing?"

"Just wanted to re-check the clock. I'll sleep better now, knowing you realize superstitions are just bunk, g'night hon."

Driving tip: Remember back in fifth grade Science when they told you about vortexes? Maybe you held a match on one side of a bottle, blew against the opposite side and the match went out? Vortexes are everywhere, between two buildings, between two hills, the opening of a canyon, the point is, if you're driving in a twenty mile an hour cross wind and pass a vortex you get to experience a forty mile gust. That's not a big deal unless you happen to be passing a U-haul truck while going under a bridge in Wyoming. When you emerge from under the bridge the guy in the truck, not having a vast knowledge of vortexes like you, might get hit by a sudden wind gust and, without even trying, change lanes. If you are beside him that is really hard on your paint and, like I've said before, paint is important. Be a little extra alert in a cross wind. How it effects you might not be a big deal but how it effects the other guy might effect you in a big way.

Snappin'

I'm listening to the news and the anchor says, "The Jet Blue attendant was so distraught over the economy and political environment that he snapped, he said certain things on the P.A., grabbed a couple beers, and slid down the escape slide." I don't have the illustrious psychiatric training that reporter obviously does and surely don't want to question his integrity, but a passenger cussed out the attendant and hit him in the head, I think the dude was just pissed off.

After dubious study I found there is a term for such a reaction. It's called the old "grab a beer and hit the slide snap." If you follow my posts you read about a man called Wilbert. After having words with a construction foreman one day he  drove his road scraper (huge piece of equipment) into the swamp, jumped off the thing and started walking back to his truck. Two other workers saw him do that, drove their own scrapers in the swamp and followed him. That is what you call a "Gang snap."

Paul Harvey told a story about a woman who, after some idiot cut her off, rammed the side of the offender's car with her school bus and pushed him ten miles down the highway. The little kids on the bus said she was singing the whole way. We've all been there, the "Traffic snap."

As a second grader I sat with my hands folded in my lap along with thirty one other kids while we watched our teacher walk around the perimeter of the room vomiting. She collapsed at her desk. We didn't move. Mary Johnson broke protocol and went to get the principal. It turns out that Mrs. Haditsky had a heart attack. She recovered and all was well but the point is the thought of facing us for another day gave that woman a heart attack. The dreaded, "I'd rather die than spend another day with these kids snap."

Most snappers tend to be our heroes in a way. That is unless you're the snapee, that's a horse of a different color. Boys like tools, any kind of tool will make you as happy as a boy with a new tool. Girls like clothes. That's why my wife tends to get tool-esque presents for her birthday and I get clothes. One Christmas I experienced first hand the old, "You got me a hot leg waxer for Christmas? snap." I proudly pointed out it was actually a complete leg waxing system. No wane is snap whatsoever.  My buddy was closer but no cigar. You guessed it, the common, "You got me thermal underwear for Christmas?" snap. The two of us never mention those days, that's one of those unspoken bonds all men have. We've all got similar stories.

There are valuable lessons to be learned from the various snappers we encounter. Next time you're flying, check out the beverage cart. If there is only one beer left and you want it.....Don't piss off the attendant, get your wife a shirt for Christmas and remember to take it a little easier on your second grade teacher.

Driving tip: Failing to signal is the number one reason for road rage. How hard is it to signal? If there is someone on the side of the road and it is safe, move over. How hard is it to move your steering wheel an inch? Did you know that reaching up to turn on your signal or moving your steering wheel an inch actually burns part of a calorie? Think of driving courteously as a weight loss program or, for you macho types, a bit of a workout. Remember, when someone cuts you off and then roars down the highway or flies by inches away when you are on the side you never think, "What a huge penis he has." You more likely think, "What a huge penis he is."

Random Thoughts

If your wife says, "Do you think this dress makes me look fat?" just say no. Don't ever follow it up with, "I think it was the pizza." For some reason girls just don't think that's funny. They do think it's funny to call their friends in to see what you look like after you've been swimming in ice cold water. Girls are weird.

When your eleven year old asks, "Do you think existentialists are really hedonistic?" Don't panic, just ask if he's cleaned his room. You know he'll never get that done. The upside is, you won't have to go look up what those terms mean and then try to have what he might perceive as an intelligent conversation.

Your nine year old daughter comes home crying and says that Mary Jo's big brother slapped her. You can go talk to Mary Jo's dad but don't go punch out Mary Jo just to show her big brother how it feels. I know you can probably take Mary Jo but, trust me on this one, just talk to the dad.

If your wife says some stranger is washing your bedroom windows at eleven o'clock at night you should go have a talk with that guy. Don't tell your wife you will let her friends see you after swimming if she wouldn't mind getting ready for bed in the rest of the rooms that still have dirty windows. Girls tend to not be too practical about things like that.

Next time you find yourself chopping up your son's bike with an axe, knowing full well you'll just have to go buy him a new one, remind yourself not to say stuff like, "Next time I find that bike in the driveway I'm going to chop it up with an axe." Remember you always have to follow through with something you tell a kid....be careful what you say.

Don't spend money on something you don't need. If one of your power tools isn't getting the job done to your satisfaction and you want to replace it, just loan it to somebody. You won't get it back and knowing that little trick will put you in a position where you will not only want one, you'll actually need one.

Girls....If you want your man to get off his lazy butt and get that chore he's been putting off done you should remember, I'm a man and I know men so you should try this awesome trick.....Sorry, I really tried to think of one but to tell you the truth, I've got nothing here.

Boys....If your 4x4 is upside down at the bottom of a snow covered hill and you think of a good way to tell your beloved, let me know.

Driving tip: Follow your intuition. When you are out in the mountains and aren't sure your truck will make it up that snow covered hill without chains, after the second time you slide back down with the thing completely out of control don't try and 'hit it' even harder, put on the chains. Third time's the charm works in a bad way sometimes.

Forbidden Fruit

It would be in poor taste to write about poop. See, I just mention it and you're already uncomfortable. But the fact is everyone and everything since the beginning of time does it, except girls. Boys have code words, "I was dusting the rim, I had to get a tune up, I got to fight a bear, drop off a package, peel the carrots." It's pretty astounding but you can say just about anything, it'll work, Rehearse the band, empty the salt shaker, weed the garden, you get the idea. Girls on the other hand could never even mention such a deed, not even with a code. "I need to pick some strawberries." Just by suggesting that I have effectively removed the phrase "pick some strawberries" from the female vernacular.

Little Mary Beth Sweetbottom was in a stall in a public restroom one day, an obvious emergency, when a man was murdered in that very restroom. When the district attorney pressured her she confessed her action. "Just exactly what were you doing in there, Mary?" She broke into a cold sweat, started to shake, looked at the jury, scanned the audience, covered her eyes with her hands and sobbed, "I was killing a guy."

The all woman jury returned after a short deliberation and acquitted poor Mary. The judge was outraged, "How can you acquit? She confessed, there is no way you can free her....." The slow witted judge began to open his eyes to the realization all women endure, "Unless she was doing something else in there....." The victim's wife screamed from the gallery, "You heard her, she was killing a guy, you turn her loose, any woman here would have done the same thing, Judge. You turn her loose!" The forewoman locked eyes with the judge and declared, "Sometimes a woman needs to kill a guy, justifiable homicide."

That might be a code women could accept if one should ever have to do that thing that women don't do, "I was killing a guy." If anyone looks at her weird, she might let them know that a precedent had been set in a court of law and no-one has the right to demean strawberries.

Driving Tip: Save a couple dozen empty soda cans and go find an empty parking lot. Set the cans up 20 or 40 feet apart and place one on either side of your car about 2 inches out from the front tires. Back out and drive around trying to hit some cans with your left side and some with your right. Most people really have no concept where there tires are on the road. When you're pretty confident that you have it figured out try and drive through the two cans at 20 miles an hour or so. Next time there is carnage on the highway and you have very little room to negotiate you will have a lot better chance of keeping all your paint. Paint is important to keep. Pick up the squashed cans. Don't be a pile of picked strawberries.

Petty

I don't want to sound like I'm bragging but let me take a second to brag here, just a little. I fired up my internet and got an alert that Tom Petty tickets were going on sale at 10:00. I wouldn't say I'm an over zealous fan but at 10:01:39 I became the proud holder of two tickets. Row LL seats 18 and 19. They sat me back 150 bucks but man oh man! My wife got a sudden case of the I don't want to go's so I called my daughter. She was excited and we planned our adventure. I couldn't wait.

Traffic was heavy on D day or should I say T day? I managed to cut off this idiot in this little yellow car with one green fender and we got in the fast lane. We made it about a mile before we caught the 007 drivers. You know the ones, they have the little lapel microphones and invisible ear pieces. "Hey, that guy headed to the concert is passing on my left." says the guy in the brown truck.

"Got him." says the guy in the SUV. This SUV cuts me off and I lose about ten miles an hour. There is a break in the middle lane and I grab it. The SUV dude calls the guy in the semi and he practically runs over a V.W. just to get in front of me. I've dealt with these guys before, I know how to handle them and in just under an hour we made the thirteen mile trip from home to the theater.

I parked in Lot Z and Danny and I began the mile long trek to the venue. She pointed out some kids leaning against some poor guy's car when we got to the second row in parking lot A, I would have straightened those dudes out but the car was this little yellow thing with a green fender and I spaced out at the amazement that there were two of them, the one I passed two hours ago and now this one. Go figure.

We got our seats, I sat down but Danny stayed standing up, she's young and not too sophisticated about concerts. "Hey kiddo, you should sit and save your legs." She didn't get it.

When the band began their intro I jumped up like a rocket. I was able to see the drummer and a little bit of the side of the bass player's head before everybody else stood up. The guy in front of me was tall and had this stupid ear ring. I was pretty amused. When things got quiet I explained to my daughter that most people's legs will give out eventually, they'll sit down and if she had saved hers like I did she might actually get to see Tom, himself.

The Heartbreakers started playing, Tom Petty started singing and it was awesome. I stood there looking at that guy's ear ring and just floating on a cloud of sheer happiness. Danny was dancing around and by the fifth song the dude in front of me sat down. I smiled, elbowed Danny and pointed. She was beginning to see that maybe I knew a few things about concerts.

The lady in front of him had this huge hairdo but some of it was sticking straight out the back of her head. That cracked me up, way better than looking at that ear ring. I figured that as soon as thirty six more people sat down I was going to get an open view of the stage. I hoped Tom wasn't on the left side. Hundreds of people would have had to collapse before I'd be able to see that.

Now, for the bragging part. They had done their encore and everyone was leaving. Danny and I were walking on the seats, passing hundreds of idiots that shuffled along in the walking area, when....just for a second, the curtain got pushed open and I saw what I was sure was Tom Petty's elbow. Eat your heart out.

Carol doesn't go to too many concerts these days but wait till she finds out I got tickets for Bob Segar. Row 37, right behind the stage. They're behind the speakers but if Bob should climb up on one I'll get to see the back of his head clear as a bell. Good times.

Driving tip: If someone is coming toward you and won't dim their lights. Don't get aggressive. If you get mad and leave yours on bright all that will happen is there will be two blind drivers on the road. Find a safe place to turn around, quietly follow the guy until he stops. If he is smaller than you, beat the crap out of him. Or...calm down, shake your head and go on down the highway. Remember, you are going to see your family when the trip is over. You are you and that poor idiot is him. Be sure and remind all your loved ones how lucky they are to have a safe and competent driver such as yourself in the fold.

The Mall

I know you've been there, those awkward moments that you would do anything to get out of. You're at the mall with your wife, you run into a co-worker, say hi, and then it happens. The proper thing is an introduction and you say, "Mary, I'd like you to meet...."The name is gone, you panic a little, your face gets red, you can feel it. The clock in your brain ticks like a gong and a second seems like a week. You finally decide just to talk really fast, maybe no-one will notice,"Mary, I'd like you to meet.......my wife." I guess I don't have to tell you what happens next, Carol sticks out her hand, smiles and says, "Carol." They shake, exchange pleasantries and it's over.

Did I say over? She shakes her head and mentions, as she marches down the mall, "Mom said I could do better." Your brain is obviously still in bed as you say, "Your mom never was too bright." She doesn't even look at you, just turns into Nordstrom's and says "I was talking about YOUR mom." You think you might turn the tables, Sears is right across the hall. "Why do you always have to bring MY mom into things? Why do we always have to go to Nordstrom's? Why don't we ever go to Sears?" She reminds you that your daughter is having a birthday and casually asks, "Do you remember her?"

"Of course I remember her, didn't I walk all night with her when she was sick on her second birthday?" She starts pawing through some shirts and over her shoulder says, "You walked for about a half hour while I was in the bathroom throwing up myself and that was your son, not your daughter."

"I had to work the next day."

"It was Saturday, you were off the next day."

"Did my mom really say that?"

"Go to Sears, be back in half an hour."

You walk into Sears thinking nothing can clear the shake-up you just endured and then you see it. A nineteen horse riding lawn tractor. It's red, there are rows and rows of accessories. You climb up on that baby and imagine yourself grooming the acres of lush lawns that surround your estate. Guys are staring at you but you know they're just jealous. Your wife walks up and interrupts your thoughts, "Remember when I told you to go to Sears for a half hour, an hour ago?"

"Yes ma'am, I remember, thank you very much."

"Remember you were holding my purse while I picked out a shirt for your daughter?"

"Danny, her name is Danielle!"

"That's right honey, good for you, I need my purse back."

You take her purse off the crook of your elbow and hand it to her. That guy that was staring at you turns, probably has to get back to his wife, and you say, "We sure could use one of these babies." She reminds you that you killed all the grass and you say, "We might get some one day." She takes your hand, starts walking back to Nordstrom's and says "I sure did good when I picked you." You don't give her an inch. "You calling my mom a liar?"

In the hall you run into this tall guy who obviously spends way too much time in the gym, he lights up when he sees you, your wife smiles and says, "Hi John, this is........." You throw your arm around her, pull her to you and say, "I love you." She smiles, looks at you kind of wryly and says, "Have we met?"

Driving tip: Always remember to chock a tire on the opposite side of the car on which you are about to change a flat. Chock it on the downhill side. Most anything will work, a hunk of two by four, a rock, a big book. When you jack up your car the tires on the jack side leave the ground. The parking cog in your transmission isn't an effective holding device when a tire is no longer in contact with the earth. The Emergency brake may not hold either. Remember, I have three million miles, two seconds to chock a tire would have saved me a bent up jack and a whole lot of embarrassment that day when I realized my driveway wasn't level. The key word in this tip is chock not chalk.