Empty plate

Most people have a problem doing what they're told. Sometimes you have to trick them. If you want someone to turn their head to the right don't say, "Turn your head to the right." What you should say is, "Don't look right!" I don't know why that works, but it does...every time.
If you're in a crowded supermarket, want crushed peanut toppers for your ice cream and say, "I need crushed peanut ice cream toppers for my wife." No one will notice you. If you add, "She's pregnant." Everyone in the place will drop what they're doing and start looking for peanut toppers. If your budget is a little tight, and you buy a new boat, don't say to your wife, "I bought a new boat." No follow up here, just don't do that, trust me.

The other day I wanted the last doughnut so I quick like went to my repertoire of commands. "I want that doughnut!" She didn't flinch. "Look to your right" Her eyes didn't move. "My wife is pregnant." Nothing, guess she knew she wasn't pregnant. "I bought a new boat." I got the doughnut. When I left the house I felt uncomfortable. Funny how sometimes a victory is hard to enjoy. When the proctologist handed me that doughnut I just didn't feel like eating anymore.

I hobbled around for several days catching up on all the little things she wanted done around the house in an effort to apologize. When I was sure all the tasks were done, I grabbed a pillow off the bed and placed it on the couch cushion so I could sit down. I told her I knew we couldn't afford a boat and hadn't bought one. She smiled, told me she knew that, and that wasn't the last doughnut.

Driving tip: Throw a roll of toilet paper in your glove box or trunk. Do it as soon as you finish reading this. A roll of toilet paper can sit in your glove box for years and still remain surprisingly fresh, like Twinkies.
If you're ever on a trip and have to use a public restroom, rip some of that paper off and put it in your pocket. If the facility is clean, fresh, and well stocked like most public restrooms, no problem. If it's more like the extremely rare unkempt public restroom, you owe me big. I think in the real world you'll find this tip to be a good one.