Spit On Your Bat Before You Swing

On Friday the 13th you'll find people cowering in corners, hiding in their bathrooms, afraid of their shadows. Not me, superstition has never been a trademark for me, knock on wood. I just think it's crazy I mean it's like the other day. I was walking under this ladder, Carol saw me and threw salt over her shoulder. Wouldn't you know I got some in my eye and when grappling for a towel, stepped on a black cat's tail. The thing shrieked like a banshee, Carol said, "I knew it!" I rolled my eyes and pulled the rabbit's foot from my pocket to dab at my sore eye.

I assured her that all those wives' tales and beliefs were nonsense and turned to go to the bedroom when this bird had flew into our house. Mr. Crow wound up in our bathroom. The thing saw a mirror, flew into it and broke its neck. I guess that was bad luck....for that stupid bird. I scraped the poor little guy up and headed for the garage laughing about all that superstition junk but when I passed through the living room I ran smack into Ben and Betty, our neighbors. Carol got along with them but every time they came around my candle just sort of blew out. I kept walking, they followed. I started telling everybody how dumb all that Friday the thirteenth crap was when I noticed my horseshoe had slipped and was now hanging upside down. That got me to thinking about horses which turned to cows and one of my favorites, "If a cow lifts it's tail then rain will follow." I laughed and thought, Damn straight, that one makes sense, if you're stupid enough to be standing under that tail. 

Things got kind of busy then. I noticed a grey hair and without thinking pulled it out. Ten more grew in it's place. How weird was that? I yanked them out and to my horror ten times ten popped up. Ben looked at me with obvious confusion, "Why are you yanking Betty's hair out?" I just stood there dumbfounded. Betty looked in that broken mirror above my workbench, saw her hair and shrieked. Out the door they went. Carol gave me one of those what's the deal looks and exclaimed that all the bad omens were manifesting. She mentioned we would probably never see those two again. I shook my head at her belief in that garbage, shoved my hand in my pocket, caressed my four leaf clover, smiled and said, "Maybe not, with any luck."

That night I set the alarm and climbed into bed, relaxed and started to drift off but suddenly panicked, I had set the alarm, it's on Carol's side, I got into bed on Carol's side, man oh man, I hope I remember to get up on her side in the morning. What if I forget and get up on my side? She put her hand on my face and asked what I was so worried about. I told her I wished she wasn't so superstitious all the time. She laughed and said she knew it was all bunk but it was fun. I climbed over her, hopped up and walked around to my side. She looked at me all confused, "What are you doing?"

"Just wanted to re-check the clock. I'll sleep better now, knowing you realize superstitions are just bunk, g'night hon."

Driving tip: Remember back in fifth grade Science when they told you about vortexes? Maybe you held a match on one side of a bottle, blew against the opposite side and the match went out? Vortexes are everywhere, between two buildings, between two hills, the opening of a canyon, the point is, if you're driving in a twenty mile an hour cross wind and pass a vortex you get to experience a forty mile gust. That's not a big deal unless you happen to be passing a U-haul truck while going under a bridge in Wyoming. When you emerge from under the bridge the guy in the truck, not having a vast knowledge of vortexes like you, might get hit by a sudden wind gust and, without even trying, change lanes. If you are beside him that is really hard on your paint and, like I've said before, paint is important. Be a little extra alert in a cross wind. How it effects you might not be a big deal but how it effects the other guy might effect you in a big way.