The Mall

I know you've been there, those awkward moments that you would do anything to get out of. You're at the mall with your wife, you run into a co-worker, say hi, and then it happens. The proper thing is an introduction and you say, "Mary, I'd like you to meet...."The name is gone, you panic a little, your face gets red, you can feel it. The clock in your brain ticks like a gong and a second seems like a week. You finally decide just to talk really fast, maybe no-one will notice,"Mary, I'd like you to meet.......my wife." I guess I don't have to tell you what happens next, Carol sticks out her hand, smiles and says, "Carol." They shake, exchange pleasantries and it's over.

Did I say over? She shakes her head and mentions, as she marches down the mall, "Mom said I could do better." Your brain is obviously still in bed as you say, "Your mom never was too bright." She doesn't even look at you, just turns into Nordstrom's and says "I was talking about YOUR mom." You think you might turn the tables, Sears is right across the hall. "Why do you always have to bring MY mom into things? Why do we always have to go to Nordstrom's? Why don't we ever go to Sears?" She reminds you that your daughter is having a birthday and casually asks, "Do you remember her?"

"Of course I remember her, didn't I walk all night with her when she was sick on her second birthday?" She starts pawing through some shirts and over her shoulder says, "You walked for about a half hour while I was in the bathroom throwing up myself and that was your son, not your daughter."

"I had to work the next day."

"It was Saturday, you were off the next day."

"Did my mom really say that?"

"Go to Sears, be back in half an hour."

You walk into Sears thinking nothing can clear the shake-up you just endured and then you see it. A nineteen horse riding lawn tractor. It's red, there are rows and rows of accessories. You climb up on that baby and imagine yourself grooming the acres of lush lawns that surround your estate. Guys are staring at you but you know they're just jealous. Your wife walks up and interrupts your thoughts, "Remember when I told you to go to Sears for a half hour, an hour ago?"

"Yes ma'am, I remember, thank you very much."

"Remember you were holding my purse while I picked out a shirt for your daughter?"

"Danny, her name is Danielle!"

"That's right honey, good for you, I need my purse back."

You take her purse off the crook of your elbow and hand it to her. That guy that was staring at you turns, probably has to get back to his wife, and you say, "We sure could use one of these babies." She reminds you that you killed all the grass and you say, "We might get some one day." She takes your hand, starts walking back to Nordstrom's and says "I sure did good when I picked you." You don't give her an inch. "You calling my mom a liar?"

In the hall you run into this tall guy who obviously spends way too much time in the gym, he lights up when he sees you, your wife smiles and says, "Hi John, this is........." You throw your arm around her, pull her to you and say, "I love you." She smiles, looks at you kind of wryly and says, "Have we met?"

Driving tip: Always remember to chock a tire on the opposite side of the car on which you are about to change a flat. Chock it on the downhill side. Most anything will work, a hunk of two by four, a rock, a big book. When you jack up your car the tires on the jack side leave the ground. The parking cog in your transmission isn't an effective holding device when a tire is no longer in contact with the earth. The Emergency brake may not hold either. Remember, I have three million miles, two seconds to chock a tire would have saved me a bent up jack and a whole lot of embarrassment that day when I realized my driveway wasn't level. The key word in this tip is chock not chalk.