Forbidden Fruit

It would be in poor taste to write about poop. See, I just mention it and you're already uncomfortable. But the fact is everyone and everything since the beginning of time does it, except girls. Boys have code words, "I was dusting the rim, I had to get a tune up, I got to fight a bear, drop off a package, peel the carrots." It's pretty astounding but you can say just about anything, it'll work, Rehearse the band, empty the salt shaker, weed the garden, you get the idea. Girls on the other hand could never even mention such a deed, not even with a code. "I need to pick some strawberries." Just by suggesting that I have effectively removed the phrase "pick some strawberries" from the female vernacular.

Little Mary Beth Sweetbottom was in a stall in a public restroom one day, an obvious emergency, when a man was murdered in that very restroom. When the district attorney pressured her she confessed her action. "Just exactly what were you doing in there, Mary?" She broke into a cold sweat, started to shake, looked at the jury, scanned the audience, covered her eyes with her hands and sobbed, "I was killing a guy."

The all woman jury returned after a short deliberation and acquitted poor Mary. The judge was outraged, "How can you acquit? She confessed, there is no way you can free her....." The slow witted judge began to open his eyes to the realization all women endure, "Unless she was doing something else in there....." The victim's wife screamed from the gallery, "You heard her, she was killing a guy, you turn her loose, any woman here would have done the same thing, Judge. You turn her loose!" The forewoman locked eyes with the judge and declared, "Sometimes a woman needs to kill a guy, justifiable homicide."

That might be a code women could accept if one should ever have to do that thing that women don't do, "I was killing a guy." If anyone looks at her weird, she might let them know that a precedent had been set in a court of law and no-one has the right to demean strawberries.

Driving Tip: Save a couple dozen empty soda cans and go find an empty parking lot. Set the cans up 20 or 40 feet apart and place one on either side of your car about 2 inches out from the front tires. Back out and drive around trying to hit some cans with your left side and some with your right. Most people really have no concept where there tires are on the road. When you're pretty confident that you have it figured out try and drive through the two cans at 20 miles an hour or so. Next time there is carnage on the highway and you have very little room to negotiate you will have a lot better chance of keeping all your paint. Paint is important to keep. Pick up the squashed cans. Don't be a pile of picked strawberries.