Off Balance

You know how when you were a little kid you went sleigh riding and you didn't have decent gloves or boots but it was 10 above zero out so it was no big deal? You know how that was? Most of my toes recovered as much as 80 percent. I can't balance well or stand on one foot anymore but I did have a good time for the first half hour or so. Its kind of funny really, people think I'm tough because I can shut my hand in a car door or grab a hot skillet without a potholder and not even wince. I don't tell them that I haven't been able to feel my hands since that good time back in 1965, I just let them think I'm a bad ass.

You know how when little Timmy Tootbutt made fun of you because you were so cold, standing there shivering, and you thought, if I could just bend my fingers into a fist you'd be sorry? Then your piece of cardboard started to get a little frayed and the rich kids that actually had sleds and gloves thought they were all hot because they could fly by you with little effort and then you had to explain to the grownups that that piece of your box came off accidentally and you had no intention of deliberately leaving it in the path so little Timmy Tightass would hit it, veer off the trail, hit that tree and bounce over the side of the hill (Those rocks at the bottom were a real bonus). Remember how good you felt?

You know how, when you finally got home you put your hands in hot water to thaw them out? Lucky for you the pee inside you was frozen or it surely would have shot down your leg. Remember thinking how bad your life sucked? There you were....home, miserable, getting yelled at by your mom because when you jerked your hands out of that hot water you splashed your poor little sister and then ran over her on your way to the bathroom and all the while that disgusting little Timmy Torn Tendon was getting his cast signed by all the girls.When your fingernails turned all black and then fell off that was kind of cool but the point is you took comfort knowing things would change when you grew up.

Remember how, when you were a young adult coaching little league and most of the kids had decent gloves and stuff and you saw a little boy crying in the dugout because all the guys were teasing him about his lack of baseball skills and calling him little Tommy Terriblethrow? You knew that was Timmy Tightwads's kid (you still hated Timmy) but you couldn't believe the rage you felt at those other guys and you made them run laps for being jerks and you taught that kid how to play baseball and he started to fit in and every game he sat and watched for his dad to come. Timmy Tongue Twister finally did bother to come to a game one day and he walked up to you at home plate, laughed and said, "Bet you wish your kid was as good as mine." You screamed "Infield fly!" and slapped him hard on the side of his miserable face, hollered, "Got it.", smiled at little Timmy Trivial Testees and walked off. Your wife asked why you slapped him and you said, "Still have trouble making a fist."

Then you mature, see a picture of little Timmy Too Truculent and realize he got old and ugly. If you avoid mirrors you still see yourself as trim and fit, handsome and young. You do feel a little remorse, he is holding a gavel in his hand, sitting there presiding over that gathering of citizens who are better than, and know what's best for, everybody else. You have a wonderful life, awesome wife and the greatest kids and grandkids that ever existed. It would be kind of cool though if you could bend your fingers around a stick.

Driving tip: You drive your own car. Don't let anyone, or anything, make decisions for you. I know of an incident where, in my opinion, both drivers were at fault. A young girl thought she could make the light. It had only been orange for a second and she was moving pretty good. A young boy was going to beat his competition off the line. His eyes were glued to the cross traffic's signal, it was orange, things were about to happen. Just like at a race track when his light turned green, or maybe just before, he mashed on the gas. He had no idea she was coming, she couldn't believe how he appeared from nowhere. They didn't get hurt, luckily, but they did ruin each other's paint. Paint is important.

Don't let that traffic light decide what you should do. Even if the light is green you should still check both directions before crossing the intersection. If your buddy says you can make the sharp corner before the bridge at fifty miles an hour but you think thirty five is more like it, DON'T go fifty just to see if he was right. If thirty five turns out to be a piece of cake then next time go crazy, try it at thirty seven. Remember the old saying: "If your friends told you to drive your car off a bridge would you?"