Music

Don't you just hate it when you're sixteen, at some party, hoping some chick will notice you, trying to figure a way to stand out from the crowd and all of a sudden this dude picks up a tambourine and starts wiggling it around? You've been there, he catches a few eyes, makes sure the right people are looking and almost on cue starts belting out a version of Black Dog by Zeppelin. The guy is really good. He is making that tambourine talk as if it had a mind of its own. He takes a break, relaxes a little and over in the corner you hear somebody start the introduction to Dueling Banjos on a set of maracas. This could get interesting. The tambourine guy declines the challenge and maraca man doesn't miss a beat. He starts right into Beethoven's Fifth. Guess he figures a little classical stuff will really set him up with the ladies.

Obviously there were no trained musicians in the crowd because no one seemed to notice his mistakes. I mean the guy started off well enough. Shake shake shake shaaaaaaaake. Shake shake shake shaaaaaaaake. Any fool knows that the last note on the introduction requires a seven A shake. Eight A's is ridiculous. Beethoven would have slapped that dude silly.

Being a kid and thinking I might snake a little of the limelight for myself I pulled my triangle out of it's simulated leather case and started plinking out a little Oakie From Muskogee. I generated no enthusiasm at all. That kind of set me back, I guessed there wasn't a red-necked woman in the place.

That was a long time ago. I found myself at another party the other day and noticed a shy young boy over in the corner. He looked a little anxious and I saw him fumbling with the zipper on a small simulated leather case of his own. I walked over, stood next to him and without making eye contact said, "Put it away kid, unless you can do Devil Went Down to Georgia on that triangle you're wasting your time. Nobody cares about Haggard anymore." Sometimes you just have to move on.

I still have the old triangle. Every once in a while I get together with Terrance Tambourine, Mark Maraca and, once in a great while, Connie Cowbell. If she shows up those Kiss cover songs are magic.

Driving tip: If you miss your exit you can always turn around. If you notice your off ramp, jump three lanes to make it and get ran over by a semi, that turn around option is less available. Just calm down. You can get pissed at everybody else on the highway because there is no doubt that it is their fault you didn't get over a little sooner but you can't kill one of them or yourself over a missed off ramp. That is just not acceptable in modern society. I missed an off ramp one time and had to travel an additional half mile before I could get off and go back to where I should have been. My life was ruined but I didn't get ran over by a semi.