Rules To Live By

Time to share my vast knowledge of sports. I get frustrated when I talk to people who don't have any basic concept of the rules of play of some of my favorite games. Big deal in the news today about golfer Dustin Johnson's grounding the club at Whistling Straights. Fact is, no matter how bad your club is you can't tell it to get in the bag and stay there till it learns its lesson. Rules are rules I don't make them I just play by them. Another common use of the term grounding the club is when grandpa tells the little league team they have to stay in the dug-out till they learn how to act like responsible seven year olds. That is a particularly tough one as most grown men don't have the capacity to act like responsible seven year olds. What do people expect?

In basketball there is something called the three second rule. Pretty self explanatory but for you novices it simply states that if an offensive player is in the key and drops his gum on the floor he must retrieve it within three seconds or is no longer allowed to put it back in his mouth. Younger players often forget about the three second rule and penalties are common. There is another rule in basketball called the illegal pick screen. It simply states that, "Even if you hide your face with your free hand you must keep all fingers out of your nose while playing basketball."

There is a rule in baseball stating, "A batter has legally completed his time at bat when he is put out or becomes a runner." I would always tell my little leaguers, "If no one is looking they should take off while at bat, effectively becoming a runner." Most umpires are not well-versed on this rule and who suffers? Little kids, damn umpires. It is true that most of my experience is with little league but the controversial infield fly rule applies in all of baseball. There has to be less than two outs and the bases occupied so as to create a force at third. In all of baseball, but especially in little league, the rule states, "If a fly is hit in the infield..." (the rule gets a little ambiguous here but I assume with whatever object is at hand, bat, hat, glove or, if available, a fly swatter, most players can't resist an opportunity to ogle a dead fly, some will even try to pick it up to chase girls. (Girls think dead flies are oogy.) Anyhow, if a fly has been hit in the infield it is deemed unfair to inflict a double-play. Pretty straightforward when you think about it.

Football rules are a different animal altogether. I think if a team collectively weighs more than a truck full of hay and is slightly less intelligent than said hay, then rules should never be enforced. If you are a football player that crack about intelligence was directed at the other guys, not you. You get it..... you and me buddy.

And the toughest sport of all....bowling. You ever see the captain of a basketball team walk up to the tip off puffing on a cigarette? No. The center of a football team get down and dirty at the line of scrimmage with a whiskey neat in his hand? How bad-ass is that? Bowling is so tough that they have to have driers on the field for some of the athlete's body parts and I have never seen a bowling match called on account of rain. Never! Bowlers don't care if it's a hundred degrees out or forty below. They always perform. After several of those whiskey neats some of them really, really perform. I've never seen a golfer do a stand up comedy routine while addressing a ball. Bowlers do that a lot. If you are a bowler I was talking about the other guys. You get it.....you and me buddy.

Don't you dare take a shot at me for my interpretation of some of these rules. Next time you're at a little league game and you notice a little winged creature approach the play area, I know you're going to scream, "Infield fly, Infield fly!"

Driving tip: If your brakes fail the backup, or emergency brake will come in handy. Remember it's there. If you hold the release button while using the E-brake you can regulate the brake pressure with your arm or foot (not and or, just or) depending on the type of brake. Activating the brake while not holding the release button might cause the rear wheels to lock. Be careful, get off the road and get some help.