My Fault

Don't be so hard on yourself. You know how you always get in the wrong line at the supermarket or Wally world? I've heard you, you tend to say it out loud, "I always pick the wrong line...dammit!" Watch your tongue. You don't always pick the wrong line, I do. You just happen to get in line behind me. If you would pay closer attention and watch for me, you would be much better off.

Any time I'm there I stand and watch the other lines move quickly along. I have plenty of time to reflect and daydream. I've seen you, standing there behind me, getting all impatient and worked up. Imagine how that poor person at the till feels. When they got in line they probably had their checkbook all in order, their coupons alphabetized and all their merchandise was ticketed correctly. Unbeknownst to them, I happen along with my jinx, get in the line behind them and screw up their whole world. Suddenly all the items in their basket won't scan correctly. They drop the handful of coupons they so meticulously organized, for some reason the checkbook gets lost in the purse and they lose all math and communication skills.

Whenever I'm in line at Mickey D's and the person behind me gets grouchy I tell them to calm down. If they don't straighten up, then when the kid says my total is four dollars and sixty three cents, I'm going to hand him a twenty. I'll wait till he punches the twenty key on the register and then.....then, hand him sixty three cents. We'll be here till Thursday. Even assistant managers aren't told how to make change when the guy gives you sixty three cents after you punched the twenty key.

So lighten up. Next time you get in a line and it stops moving you should tap the person in front of you on the shoulder and say, "Hey, hows it going? I read your blog. I should have known better than to get in line behind you but, silly me."
I may look at you as if I think you have antennae sticking out of your forehead or even pretend like you're annoying me but that is just a code. It's really me. Why else would the line stop? Think about it. Don't get mad at the guy arguing with the checkout person. It's my fault, not his. He had no idea I was going to get in his line. If you ever get to the till and drop your coupons, look to the back. I'll be standing there. Sorry, my lot in life. My fault, not yours.

Driving tip: After 30 years on the road as a 'Professional driver', my favorite line of all time, and I've actually heard it a lot, is, "I knew if I passed that guy he was going to hit me." That, or some version (i.e.) "I knew that dog was going to jump out in front of me." If you knew that, why did you do what you did? The tip is: if you suspect something will happen... you should trust yourself. Don't get in a situation you know will turn out badly. Back off a little bit, let the guy behind you pass him and get hit. You will be delayed a second or two but, after they pull off to exchange insurance papers, you can take off again, and keep all your paint.