Careful Who You Marry

I wanted to take a minute here to caution you about something that should be considered when you choose a life partner.

When my wife was small her family lived on a mini ranch. They had several hundred acres outside of town but lived on about a two acre tract closer to civilization. There were corrals and pens where her dad would keep cows that were ready to calve and running free at any given time were four or more of his little girl's beloved dogs. Sometimes, as dogs are prone to do, there would be an extra 6 to 12 tiny ones. After about the tenth pregnancy in two years her father declared that the puppies would have to be destroyed. Her dad was not someone to argue with and his word was law. He'd grown up in hard times and as an adult was pretty adamant that no lip would be tolerated.

Carol fretted the day until it finally came. Momma dog, in an effort to sequester her brood, decided to give birth on the floor in the hall closet right on top of the coats that should have been hanging above her. When the old man came home he found his eight year old daughter sitting in the closet, petting momma dog, and silently crying. She looked up at her stern father and timidly asked, "Are you really going to kill the puppies daddy?" Her dad took a minute to explain that they had too many dogs to feed as it was and there was no way he could allow another litter to roam around under foot, harrassing the cows, chasing the chickens and making general nuisances of themselves. I think he may have used the phrase "pain in the ass". At any rate, he turned toward the kitchen to get some coffee. As he walked away Carol asked after him: "When are you going to do it daddy?" He didn't turn, just said over his shoulder, "As soon as their old enough."

Ten or maybe fifty dogs later, Carol and I got married. We always had one or two dogs and the occassional cat gracing our own living room carpet. Isn't gracing a better way to say it than crapping on? Several years ago Carol, like her dad, had had enough. "You bring them into your life, fall in love with them, watch them get old, maybe suffer, and finally go to dog or cat heaven. It's just too heart breaking. We will never have another cat or dog!" She meant it, I could tell.

That was three dogs and two cats ago. Macai, a leftover from our daughter, was getting on in years when I found a little deformed mutt cowering in the middle of the street in the rain. I brought it home intending to take it to the animal shelter the next day. Instead, we put posters up all over and notices on bulletin boards. After living with the thing for three years I know full well why no one ever claimed it. Two years ago my son dragged a stray cat home from a state park where he had been camping. Cali does help by ocassionally bringing home a bird or rat and leaving it on the carpet so we all might share. Last year there was this teeny tiny baby kitten outside the door to Carol's work. I reminded her that we didn't want any more animals. She agreed and insisted that, as soon as our granddaughters saw it, we could take it to the shelter. That is now the biggest cat I've ever seen. You can be making a sandwich, look over, and the thing is staring at you eye to eye. He is standing on the floor, his front paws on the edge of the counter, and his head is level with yours.

The other night, in the rain, another dog showed up in our drive. Carol decided we shouldn't name Jenny because someone would surely claim her. More posters, more notes on bulletin boards. I agreed, we shouldn't name it. I called Scraps so I could take her outside to do her business. Carol asked, "Why are you calling Jenny Scraps?" I reminded her that we shouldn't name the dog. She concurred.

I have to cut this short because I have to scratch old Rags (Scraps, Jenny, whatever) behind her ears. She kind of likes that. The point is, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If a girl's dad won't even man up and kill some little puppies like he said he was going to, there is a good chance that if you marry that girl, you can bet you'll need plenty of paper towels and disinfectant, not to mention deodorizer, maybe you should invest in a good shampooer. "If I had a nickel for every bag of dog food we've bought over the years." I sometimes wish she were more stern like me. We wouldn't have to deal with half the crap we put up with. (Get it? crap?)Fact is, if it weren't for her, you can bet I would get rid of the whole lot of them....just as soon as they're old enough.

Driving tip: Don't swerve back! It's actually about physics. A typical car has about ten inches of give in the springs and shocks. If you find yourself in a situation where you have to swerve hard to the right, the car rolls up to its' left. The suspension on the left bottoms out and the suspension on the right lifts up to it's limit. If you realize that you may be going off the road you have a tendency to swerve back to the left. The left side of the car can now travel a distance of twenty inches from being bottomed out to its' fully extended position. The right side does the opposite.

At speed, when you add inertia and centrifical force to the fact that the car can now freely travel twenty inches up on the left and down on the right, it might keep going. Effectively putting the shiny side down and the dirty side up.

If you ever have to swerve, then get a death grip on the steering wheel and make a rational split second decision about your next maneuver. A sudden swerve to the right followed by a sudden swerve to the left is a bad idea.