Element

I'm sure, after reading the title, you were looking forward to an in-depth discussion of the periodic table. Sorry to disappoint you but I will actually be addressing an element that is more personal. You know the expression, "He's in his element." or more to the point, "That's not my element." My element tends to be an easy chair in front of a television, remote and cold beverage at my side. Water is definitely not my element.

I swim like a fish. I should qualify that, I swim like a fish walks. If you've ever seen a fish flopping around on the ground, completely panicked, desperately trying to return to his, or her as fish go, element; you get a picture of how I look swimming. I can flop around and thrash in water exactly as far as I need to. If the bank is six feet away, I am able to go six feet before I die. If it's 23 feet away, I can make it exactly 23 feet before I die. The fish look up at me and go "Awwww, look at that poor thing, he is not in his element." Fish are smart, they know what they're talking about.

Carol was swimming, she really is beautiful in the water, she floats effortlessly, swims gracefully, and never tires. That day she was on her back and a bug attacked her. I think he was just doing reconnaissance on a potential target as he never actually touched her but she got scared, swallowed some water, and called for me to help. I was maybe eight feet away, holding on to the wall and, seeing her panic like that, immediately started flailing in her direction. I know how drowning people will actually climb up on someone to get air for themselves and figured, if I make it to her, I can climb up on her and get some air. With a gulp of fresh air, I could maybe try to help. I got a good kick off the wall and made it about four or maybe even five feet before I began to get in trouble. I'm a man, my woman needed me, I kept going. I was maybe three feet from her and nearly exhausted when she recovered and swam to the wall. Like an ocean liner I began a slow turn, I could see the wall, five feet off my starboard side. I went for it. I could no longer see Carol, all vision was now blocked by a torrent of splashing water. I knew I was close to the side but felt completely relieved to feel her hand on my arm, pulling me to safety.

She was not happy with me, "Why didn't you help?"
"I was trying, but you know you would have been better off to call for Zeus over me, you would have gotten a better result."
I felt stupid saying that. I should have said Poseidon. WTG Me. Ordinarily swimming isn't a problem for me. By the time I get used to the freezing water, everybody else is done and it's time to get out. That day the water was warm.

The point is that you should stay in your own element. If I was in the easy chair and a bug attacked her on the couch....no sweat. Don't be fooled if the water is warm, its still water and you still can't swim.


Driving tip: I think they were looking for a car similiar to ours and dad got pulled over twice within a ten mile stretch one time when I was just a kid. He looked at that second police officer and said, "Look, I'm just trying to get the hell out of your state. I will either take a ticket or a lecture but I aint taking both."I knew we were dead. The cop said have a good day and left us alone. I admire my dad and now I'm a man. My technique isn't exactly the same as his but if I ever get pulled over I open a few buttons; expose a little breast. Hike up my pants; expose a little leg. I might get a ticket but the cop never wants to hang around and talk. Like my dad, I'll take one or the other, but not both.