Hoot

Be scared, be very afraid, the scariest creatures to roam the earth will be out this weekend in droves. Vile flesh eaters. Entities that try to eat children and devour the elderly. Those people will be gone after Nov 2 but till then we need to try to hide---maybe disguise ourselves. I had a great idea to this end. On Oct 31, I am officially declaring national dress-up like something other than yourself day. It sounds a little far-fetched but I think the idea will catch like wildfire in a warm wind. Wait and see. There will be witches, goblins, Sponge Bob Square Pantses and more than one Transformer. I'll just bet you every city in this great nation will see some sort of result from my declaration. 


When I was in 2nd grade my mom felt much the same as I do now. She got me this great disguise where I wore a mask that looked like an owl face. I had a black one-piece suit with a picture of that scariest of birds on the chest. His eyes were two big circles With an H on one side and a T on the other. It sort of looked like: H eye eye T. People would see me and go Hoot, Hoot. I never understood that. They should have gone HeyeeyeT but, whatever.


By the time I got in fifth grade the mask was gone and that one-piece was a little tight. People would see me and go: "What the hell are you supposed to be?" Keep em confused, that's my motto. I offered to loan that incredible costume to my son who had a party to attend. The ingrate ripped the right side almost off while trying to get it over his 22 year old head and now it just says H eye. Why someone would try to put a one-piece on by pulling it over the head is beyond me but I realized with great enthusiasm that I might still wear it myself, sort of like a shawl now, but wear it I will. I can color the eye in and make it look like an O. Make my statement to those politician types by sporting the initials for: Hang Oppressors. I bet I get a lot of confused looks when I start ringing doorbells with that on my chest. They won't know what HO means. They'll probably think it stands for: Herman O. West who, known as H. O. West, was the co-founder and later owner of a chain of thirty-three department stores in mostly north Louisiana and southern Arkansas. From 1923 until his... Got that off Wiki cause I couldn't think of anything for H O either but that is probably what people will think anyway. Maybe I could get a horse and call it silver and holler H.O. Silver away. 


Mostly I will stay in the shadows and be very afraid because, according to the TV, every two years we are in some really scary times.  


Driving tip: Bonus today, not just a driving but a health and economy tip as well. I call it a threefer. Most people in the United States get way more exercise than they need. That is obvious by their insistence on parking as close to the store entrance as possible. They will burn 5 bucks worth of gas cruising for the best spot rather than walking half a block. 


If you park at the outer edge of a lot you won't get so many door dings (good for paint) you will save gas (not driving for five extra minutes for the good spot) and you will get some exercise (walking an extra hundred yards). The big bonus, I should have called it a fourfer, is that when you back out of your space there won't be a Suburban on your left and a van on your right. You might not bash into someone driving around looking for a good parking spot as quickly if you can see.  

Teeth

Had to go to the doctor for a checkup the other day. Came back with a total clean bill of health. Carol decided the guy had to be a quack. I eat too much, I eat the wrong stuff, I don't exercise, I have a bad attitude, I don't sleep, there is no way I can't be dying. She has been a nurse her entire life, she recommended the guy, she made me go. She has definite parameters guiding her in selection of physicians. She knows who is good or who had bad luck recently, what schools and experience they might boast or what hospitals allow them privileges. I, on the other hand, tend to go with the doctor having the smallest fingers.

My appointment was for ten o'clock and I arrived early to fill out any paperwork. The receptionist asked a few questions and gave me a clipboard with the required forms. I sat next to an elderly couple and just across from a woman with a four year old child...Billy...

Jumping straight to it I, having a reasonable comprehension of my history and being fairly quick with a pen, finished just after lunch. I'm 55 years old and can't imagine why they want to know about any trauma but I spent over an hour, and nine sheets of paper, telling them about the time I was kidnapped by Jimmy Tom and Booky when I was 5. I probably wasted my, and their, time because it wasn't really that big of a deal. Jimmy Tom's mom gave us cookies and they had every stolen toy in town to play with. When I told them I had to get going they said see ya later. I wonder if other kidnap victims have tried the I have to get going escape method? Anyhow, when I finally got to see the physician's examination room I was glad to find, after lying on the table for about fifteen minutes and then going through all those drawers, a pack of bandages. There were several bruises on my legs and a fairly deep bite wound on my arm. That Billy was a feisty little kid.

The doctor came in about four o'clock. Apparently some old guy died in the waiting room and they had to clean that up. He stuck a stethoscope on my chest and then on my back, made me cough and then grabbed something warm with those ice cold fingers and made me cough again. Count your blessings. The next thing he did with those fingers made me real glad he had a chance to warm them up first. At five after four he told me to put my shirt and pants back on and wait in the reception area for my results. Results is a medical term for bill.

The old lady still sat next to my chair looking all sad and when I asked how her husband was she started crying. Billy was in the corner getting his ass kicked by some five year old. His mom was all frantic but Billy bit the kid on his ear and that was that. I told you he was feisty. The receptionist finally gave me a prescription to ward off bite wound infection and let me go. I resolved to save time and not mention Jimmy Tom if anybody ever asks about trauma. I'll replace that with a tale titled, 'My Visit to the Doctor'.

Driving tip:  Most vehicles will provide power to only one tire. Unfortunately, that is always the tire with the least resistance. For instance: you have front wheel drive and your right front tire is in a mud bog. The rest of your car is high and dry but that right front will spin till you are out of gas. Press on the gas to get the tire spinning, Not hard, try not to dig yourself in deeper. While you have the tire spinning, put pressure on the brake with your other foot. The left tire is just sitting there, the right one is spinning against the brake causing friction and heating (and swelling) things up. After 30 seconds or so the right brake is hot. Now, let off the gas. step gently down on the brake and push gently on the gas. The mud tire should be locked by the hot brake allowing the left (cold tire) to turn. When the car moves a few inches get off the brake and go on your merry way.     .

Sport Stuff Again

Everyone, it seems, is involved in some fantasy sport or another. I, too, have fallen prey to the seduction of sitting on my butt, drafting players, and seeing how well my team stacks up against the opposition. The last few weeks haven't been good. One of my stars is down with an injury, a second was penalized and has to sit out three games and some of them, it seems, are playing with less than perfect equipment.

This week I am supposed to play my daughter. No easy task on a good day, but when I fired up my computer and logged on to Ultimate Fantasy Sport dot Org dot com I was stunned to find my highest scoring player is on a bye. I don't have to tell you how bad it sucks when the little girl you used to trounce at practically all sports suddenly turns seven and can take you in almost any physical activity. Fantasy was my salvation. I kill at fantasy. Even if I lose I can fantasize I win. What a great concept!

Anybody that indulges will sympathize when they find out my seeker is not scheduled to play due to a bye. The really awful part is that in Quidditch a bye can last for months. What a drag! (Sorry, showing my age) I mean what a bummer! So here I am, my seeker is on a bye, my best chaser is injured and his cohorts couldn't tell a bludger from a snitch. One of my beaters turned a ref into a toad and got a three game penalty and my quaffle turned green.

There is no questioning my superior intelligence when it comes to sports and this fantasy match-up shouldn't be such a big deal. I mean really, when you think about it, fantasy is foolish. Hogwarts are hogwash, Dallas are dumbells, Steelers are stupid, Niners are ninnies, Green Bay is slow way and the Yankess got their butts kicked and the Rangers are going to the super bowl. Go Mark Cuban!

Driving tip:  Dogs are people too. They have pet seat-belts available these days. Author Stephen King was struck by a car while walking on the shoulder of a road. The driver was distracted by his dog who was trying to get into a cooler and steal treats. A pet seatbelt will not only protect your beloved animal in an accident, it might even keep you from running over Stephen King. That's kind of important.

Habit

Walked up to the cashier and paid for my purchase with 17 one dollar bills. The girl took my money and casually asked, "Are you a dancer?" I have never. Can you believe that? It just goes to show you how crude some people can be. Anybody can take one look at me and tell that, if I even considered such a profession, those would have been twenties.

We are all guilty of mis-reading first impressions. I, myself, actually looked at a person once and instantly thought I could trust him. I guess it was the police uniform that threw me. He wasn't very big but my first impression was that he was a servant of the people, risking life and limb to keep us safe. After signing the $200.00 ticket I was left knowing he was nothing more than a shill for the establishment, a pawn of the court. I was only going eighty two, it was an interstate, if those slow pokes hadn't been in my way I would have been home. How much of a menace to society could I be? I'm surprised he even saw me as dark as it was. The creepazoid was hiding behind that 65 mile an hour speed limit sign just waiting to pounce on some poor innocent like myself. People like him have no idea how they impact society. Before 'the incident' I was cruising along not paying attention to my speed but carefully motoring down the highway. After, I waited till I was around the hill and purposely kicked it up to 67. I knew I was going to do it. I, a law abiding citizen, became a pre-meditated law breaker. It was all his fault.

Some people can really fool you. I read about an engineer who tried to kill his business partner by cutting the red air bag wire and, while the two of them headed to a convention,  purposely drove into a tree. His plan was sound enough on the outset but his passenger's air bag deployed flawlessly. His own did not. You see? It got you too. When I said he was an engineer you assumed he was smart. Well, when you take a second to think about it, we all know it's the blue wire you need to cut if you want to kill your passenger. What an idiot. Remember the old adage we learned in grade school? Blue kills you, red I'm dead. How could an engineer forget that?

As you go through life don't be fooled by first impressions. Just because she's wearing a nun's habit does not necessarily mean she will whack you with a yardstick. And just because he's scrawny doesn't mean it won't hurt when he kicks you in the......pocketbook by giving you a stupid two hundred dollar ticket.

Driving tip: If you have to pull over it is O.K. to get your tires dirty. If the shoulder is level or gentle, get your car at least half off the pavement. Those people on the highway aren't going to slow down. They should, but they wont. Turn on your flashers. Somebody driving along dead-tired will drive right into your trunk if all they see is taillights.
If you are doing 82 in a 65, you deserve the ticket. Don't whine about it.

 

GMAO

I read about this study where they took 3 control groups of twenty students. All sixty kids had to throw a given number of free throws with a basketball. The results were recorded and the study began. The first group then had to practice throwing free throws one hour a day for two weeks. The second group was not allowed to touch a basketball but rather concentrate about throwing free throws for an hour a day. The third group was not allowed to touch or think about basketballs. They just ate pizza and played Atari for the two weeks (it was an old test). The pizza group put up the same numbers at the end test as they had at the beginning. The practice group showed, like, a twenty percent improvement. The concentrate group also showed a twenty percent improvement.

Needing to get in better shape, but too lazy to exercise,  I decided, after reading this study, to make an honest effort and think about doing sit-ups and stuff for an hour a day. No improvement!
Coupled with my need to get in shape, is a compulsion to surf the internet. I am going to share an ingenious new concept that will guarantee you to lose weight and get in better physical condition. All you need to do is send me 50 bucks and I will tell you to put your computer at the top of a fifteen foot rope. You have to climb it and can only surf as long as you can hang on. The other thing I will share for an additional twenty dollars is to hook your computer to a tread mill generator. You can only surf if you are running fast enough to generate power.

Once you employ my new techniques for a month or so your friends will begin to post on Facebook how great you look. When they ask your secret you can say, "I exercised. GMAO!!!!!" Only you and I will know that the G stands for Google. You can charge them, like, fifty bucks, to tell them our secret. There are other solutions you might employ such as FBMAO (facebook) or FTMAO (farmtown) or like me, BMAO (blogged). Get creative, Don't send every pitch over the fence like those lazy-assed Yankees. Put them in center-field so you have to do a little running once in a while.

Driving tip: For most driving situations, push your side mirrors out just past the point where you can see the back corner of your car. You still need to head-check, but the side mirror will help to reduce blind spots if it looks a little further out. Don't go crazy and shove it out so far you can't tell if someone is approaching from your right. When you need to back up, toggle the mirror switch in to help you line the back of your car with the space you need to occupy.    

Strength Of Youth, Wisdom Of Age

Carol dispatched me to get a supplemental Christmas present for my son and I walked in the store to peruse what was offered. Several people were engaged in a this one's mine, no I want that one, this one has a bad wheel, or I need to put my baby in the carrier, game of shopping cart selection. I sort of smiled at those idiots, I mean, I was getting one item, why does everyone think they need a cart? The toy section was still pretty well stocked and I wandered up and down the aisles waiting for that perfect something to jump off the rack and holler, "Here I am, take me." They had this one doll that promised to actually soil its diaper and there was a truck made out of plastic. Can you imagine, a truck made of plastic? Who would ever buy such a stupid toy.
I came around a corner and all the lights in the city went out, all, except one. This brilliant spotlight focused on the perfect gift for an 8 year old boy. A host of singers formed a semi circle around me and began to ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahhhhhh. That song might lose something on paper but it you were there you would agree it was really cool. I caught my breath, it was stunning, I stood there, face to bumper, with a red, 14 horse, go-cart.

That baby had a roll bar and chrome rims, let me say that again, chrome rims. My son threw his crappy bike in the weeds, jumped in the seat and was just pulling that shiny red baby into the dirt lot at the end of our street, his enormous smile contorting his face. The neighborhood kids stood back in awe, some of the girls held there hands to their faces and sighed. The boys dropped their jaws and cried. Some lady bashed into me with her cart and I came back to the store. I slowly reached out and touched one of the tires, they were pneumatic. Let me say that again, they had air in them. I turned the tag over and read, $489.00. I smiled and shook my head. That was only $189.00 more than I paid for the car I was actually driving in those days. Well, it was really 239 more because I still owed the guy fifty bucks, but it would be 189 when I got it paid off.

I threw my crappy Buick in the weeds and was just pulling that shiny red beauty into the parking lot at work. The guys were all stunned, my boss nodded his head in affirmation. Some guy's kid slammed into me when he came around the corner too fast and I was back in the store. Why do people let their kids run in stores? I grabbed a 110 lb junior bar bell set and headed for the registers. It was only twenty dollars and, when my son got done working out with that baby, no bully was going to kick sand in his face while he sat on a beach with some blonde haired chick. You would need to have read comic books back in the sixties to understand my thinking but old people know what I'm talking about.

I was about twenty third in line,(see older post-7-7-10) the guy in front of me had a cart with like--two items in it. Some people. I held my 110 pound junior bar bell set in my right hand and thought what an idiot he was but I guessed everyone can't be as young and strong as me. Ten minutes later the old lady in front, with the seven bags of purchases in her cart, walked toward the door. I switched my barbell set to my left hand. The next puke in line had to write out a check. I waited another five minutes and switched my son's gift to my right. After the next three people were finished I stood there holding that box with both hands. I was growing a little impatient, the guy in front of me was humming jingle bells. Fifteen more minutes and I began to hallucinate. Some idiot was humming jingle bells and everyone on earth had coupons and check books. I stood there with one knee cocked to rest part of my burden on my leg and when I finally reached the till I had a startling revelation. I could not lift that damn weight set up to the counter. What a dumb gift a bar bell set is anyhow, who would ever want to give something like that for a present? I figured, if I stand it on the floor and grab it low with both arms, give a mighty heave, then maybe...The lady behind helped me get it to the counter but I could hardly lift my pen to write out my check (The numbers came out all funny looking).

Carol and I were at the supermarket the other day to grab some sour cream and were nearly to the back when she said we needed some milk. I turned and started walking toward the front. "Where you going?" I rolled my eyes and couldn't believe she could be so naive. "To get a cart."

Driving tip: All summer you took the time to put the foldy visor under your windshield to keep the sun off your car's interior. If you live where it snows, begin throwing a small blanket over your driver's seat. In the morning when you open the car door and fresh snow blows in all over the seat, you will brush it off, but you won't get it all. You can bet your wet butt that you will wish you had paid attention when I said put a throw over your driver's seat. You could have just shaken it out, tossed it in the back and been on your dry, merry way.
 

Technology

Back in the 60s you sat in the living room and listened to Biff and Jack call a ballgame.
"It's a hot one today Biff."
"You know it Jack, that hot dog smells good though."
"We got old Swing Away Smitty at the plate. He sure has been parking a lot of em lately."
"That's true Jack but Fast Ball Freddy isn't going to make it easy for him."
"The count is 0 and 1 and Smitty takes a cut at that famous curve, bringing it to 0 and 2."
There's the delivery."
You hear a sharp smack and people screaming in the background.
"Man oh man, Smitty got ahold of that one. Right through the hole at left and he is safe on first."
"That brings up Lefty Louie and the crowd is on their feet."
"Boy, Biff. It looked like Lefty had some gum on his shoe or something. He was scraping it on the dugout steps before he took the plate and now he doesn't look comfortable in the box."
"Back to the game. One on, zero away here in the top of the first... and the windup...."

Those were the days, you could sit there and feel like you were actually at the park. Those were also the days before computers. Today it comes across a little different.

It is 93.647 degrees Fahrenheit out today, that's 34.248333333333335 degrees Celsius, Biff."
"You know it Jack, that hot dog smells good though."
"We got Swing Away Smitty at the plate. He's batting 377 against right handers this season."
"That's true Biff, but his average on away games is only 263. He could be in trouble against Fast Ball Freddie. His win-loss percentage is .773 with an ERA of 4.39. Out of 33 starts he pitched 80.1 innings and faced 763 batters with 171 strikeouts and only 149 hits allowed."
"All good numbers Jack. But if you consider that he faces a righty with the humidity at 78.335 percent you see his base on balls numbers jump from 95 up to 111. Smitty has a pretty good chance of getting on without even swinging the bat."
"No argument here Biff. But Smitty is twenty seven years old with 356 plate appearances this year. He has 35 home runs and 27 RBIs."
"You're forgetting the 7.832 mile per hour wind out of the Southwest Jack. That, statistically, puts a real damper on Smitty's numbers."
"Valid point Biff but....."
"Back to the game. Two on, one away, here in the bottom of the eighth. The score is three to six and Billy Ballwacker is addressing the plate."
"You know, Billy really has a good chance of tying the score here, with an RBI of 132...."

Used to turn the AM to 860 and enjoy the game. Talked Carol into a state of the art system but by the time you adjust your equalizer to get the bark out of the midrange and the trill out of the tweets, the game is almost over. My dad used to talk about the good old days. I wonder if, back then, you could actually go to a park and watch a game in person.

Driving tip: Throw a pack of post-its in your console. When the sun is glaring at you from between the visors or the back of your side window, slap a couple post-its on the glass. Don't impair your vision, but you might be able to improve it with some simple office supplies.

More Sports

I'm not sure where the misconception began but the World Cup is not a plastic device to be put in a cotton receptacle and placed over the groin of the world. It has nothing to do with a giant brassiere or colossal printing system. It does, in fact, refer to soccer. Soccer is an event your granddaughters participate in on Saturdays and it can be a little complicated so you should pay attention. First, if you intend to get involved in soccer you need to get up early. There are a lot of parents and grandparents and they all seem to want to take their own personal vehicle. I guess they figure there's a chance of getting in a fight with their wife  and don't want to be stuck at the soccer field. Anyway, get up early or you won't get a good parking spot.

As in all sports, there are specific rules applying to soccer.
1...All little girls, on both teams, must remain as close to the ball as possible, all the time.
2...Time is never called, but both teams get to rest for a recurring event wherein either coach participates in a process called little shoe-tie.
3...Grandpas are not allowed to talk. They do, but never say the appropriate thing.
4. Goals can only be scored if you are at the concession, or in the little blue cubicle.
5...Little blue cubicles are to be maintained to always be in the most disgusting condition possible.
6...If you have more than one grandchild their games must be scheduled at 2 hour intervals, never back to back. (The league tried 4 hour intervals but too many grandparents snuck away and had breakfast.)

Remembering the rules, and getting up early, will make soccer as enjoyable for you as it is for me. I hope I was able to clear up any questions about this wonderful sport.

Driving tip: Steering into the skid means exactly that. It is always a good idea to keep the front of the car ahead of the back. If you lose traction and the back of your car starts sliding to the right, you need to GET OFF THE GAS and steer your car to the right. Get the front back in front and regain control. If the back just 'kicks out' a little, a slight correction with the wheel is appropriate. It the back goes crazy away you need to work on your reaction time. (refer to comment about GET OFF THE GAS)
Whenever you experience icy conditions you need to be extra cautious and alert. Be prepared to react quickly. Drive as if the road was covered with frozen water.
If your whole vehicle is sliding that is not a skid....Stay tuned.

Sports Series 1

It is October  6, 2010 and, if you're like me, the first thing that comes to mind is water skiing. I know!. If you've never been, I can give you some tips. The first and foremost is of course, don't go. If you insist, then you need to know a couple things. Water skiing is primarily done on water. Sometimes, in an effort to impress the girls, you might get a little too close to the beach and find yourself involved in sand or gravel skiing. This activity should be reserved for the more advanced skier and is rarely successful when attempted by a beginner. It does, however, have a great effect. Believe me, chicks never expect to get sprayed by dirt while sunbathing.

First, get a boat, then some rope and some skis. A good life jacket, and several friends that are excellent swimmers is also a good idea. Now, get in the water. If you are in the southern states watch for snakes. If in the north, snakes aren't a problem. They, unlike humans, don't often indulge in 40 degree water. Now, put on your skis. This process can take up to 30 minutes for a beginner, especially if he/she finds it difficult to expel water from the lungs. Once the skis are attached, grab the rope. It will be anywhere from 17 to 40 yards off to your left or, in some cases, right. Bend the knees, make the skis perpendicular to the water and hold the knees together with your forearms. Scream hit it.

I should have told you the part about letting go of the rope if you fail to get up. Sorry about that. Take a few minutes to compose, expel water from your lungs, and allow the concerned people in the boat to stop laughing. This time remember that you are in water. If you try to stand your feet will go out from under you, kind of like that time you tried roller skating in front of those chicks from high school and the ambulance had to come. We won't go into that. Wait until you feel the water slapping your butt. It's kind of cool but don't just  sit there and enjoy that, people will think you're odd. Stand up. You are skiing!

That whoosh whoosh noise you heard just before you nearly drowned was what experienced boaters call the wake. Somebody should have told you about that. It sneaks up behind a beginner, grabs you by your ankles, and throws you out of the water so your head is the first thing to smash back into the brine. I know that term usually refers to salty water but it's kind of cool like pirate or mizzen-mast and I had already used the term water once in that sentence and everybody at my writer's group yells at you when you say things like water more than once in a sentence.

Now you know how to water ski. You're welcome. I intend to do a series on all the various sports. Ask anybody that knows me and they can tell you, "That Jerry knows sports." They won't, but they could if they wanted to.

Driving tip:  Smoke tells a story. If you ever notice something odd coming out of your exhaust check the color. White means water. You have a head gasket leak, a cracked block, I'm not sure, but it's probably pretty sinister. You need to get that checked out. Blue means oil. You have bad valve seats, bad rings, a broken piston, I'm not sure but it could be something serious. Maybe your engine was cold and some oil leaked into the cylinder. I think you should worry a little. Black means fuel. You are running too rich, have a bad oxygen sensor, a stuck choke, I'm not sure, but you might get that fixed. Really loud and red means back fire. You have a bad timing belt, open exhaust valve, loose distributor, I'm not sure, but that is something you might investigate further. Be careful out there.     

Clear View

I went to my granddaughter's school play the other day and found myself reminiscing about when their (my grandkids) parents were doing their stints in elementary school grandeur. I stood in the fourth row and if you held your head a little to the left you could see around the hat of the lady in front. The guy beside her had really big ears but if you looked just left of his lobe, and under that tuft of hair, you could see the corner of my granddaughter's head. She was beautiful. The corner of her head stood out in that crowd of kids and she took my breath away. I almost cried a little at how wonderfully she stood and she didn't fidget or fall down or anything. I was so proud and, actually, felt a little sorry for the other parents and grandparents. They were pretending to be infatuated by their own children but they knew. They knew that the tuft of blond hair with the purple ribbon sticking out just behind that annoying boy, who obviously didn't know the words, was the best singer in the house.

When the program got over Carol and I waited in the hall to greet and congratulate her. She came bouncing up all excited, her bonnet securely fastened  with the orange bow and she looked stunning. I commented that it was a little hard to see her in all those kids but my dear wife admonished me. "She was standing right in the front row."
"Yeah, but that lady with the hat was blocking me."
It was a little surreal. Reminded me of the time I watched her mother, our granddaughter's mother, not Carol's, perform in a similar event. I was equally stunned at that production. Afterward, when I congratulated her, Carol pointed out that it was our son, not our daughter, who was on stage. It wasn't my fault though, it was the 80s and the lady in front of me had really big hair.

I've learned, now, to quietly stand and enjoy whoever I think might be in that crowd of blurry little kids on the stage and then wait till after Carol tells them how wonderful they were. I then, knowing full well who the star was, speak up and say, "yeah."

Driving tip: "Keep your eyes moving", applies everywhere when driving. The other day I walked out of Big Lots and saw a stunning event. The lady in the Lincoln, facing northeast, looked and saw no one was coming. She stared at her left mirror and started backing out of her parking space. The guy opposite her, in the Caddy facing southwest, looked and saw no one was coming. He stared at his left mirror and started backing out of his space. There was a loud racket when their cars smashed into each other. They both jumped out and admitted that neither had seen the other. I kind of got a kick out of that. I never really expected them to say, "Yes, I saw you."
Just because you are all alone when you start an action doesn't mean things are going to stay that way. Keep your eyes moving.

Do You Know Jack?

I jumped on Facebook the other day and said that I was feeling a little gloomy. I couldn't wait to see all the things my friends would say, just out of concern, to pick me up. I checked back about ten minutes later and there were four thousand six hundred and seventy two posts. Not unusual considering that, not wanting to brag, but I do have 17 friends. Apparently, after seeing my post, my niece thought it would cheer me up to know that her puppy pooped in the kitchen. A good bud told me that he became friends with John, Stephanie, Susan, Mark, Bill, and about forty other people. Actually, to save time, I should just say that seven of my friends became friends with forty three hundred friends. There is a tree somewhere that I should join a group about and someone, I've never heard of, is having a high school reunion somewhere I've never been (or intend to). There seems to be some concern that Democrats are ruining the world and a high priority post about Republicans who are going to ruin the world.

Now the good stuff. If I join some club that is only four hundred dollars a month they are going to help with my credit problems for free. I think they are pretty up-front because they said that I would be solely responsible for the outcome. Some of my high school friends appear to be looking for me and my aunt got some points in a game but she is looking for a rabbit. My nephew is really pissed at someone for something and some guy, who is a friend of mine, keeps making fun of the fact that we've never met but somehow, became friends. He might be my friend but let me tell you, "A puke like that is no friend of mine." My cousin said happy birthday to Jack. She doesn't know Jack but one of her friends heard, from one of her friends, who knows a friend of Jack's, that if you tell Jack happy birthday you will get one dollar for every friend that does that and Mary Swenson got a check for five hundred million dollars. We all need to support the Gordo Republic and should check out their website, and another of my friends (in my top 17) doesn't want to be friends anymore. I'm a little curious about that because twenty three people 'like' that post and I only have seventeen friends.

I'm no longer gloomy, I am a little confused. I'll keep checking just in case I miss something but it's a little work. I wanted to check out that Gordo Republic website but since I mentioned it I've gone back six hundred posts and still can't find it. By the way, Happy Birthday Jack.

Driving tip:  About horns. If someone pulls out in front of you, you have several options at your disposal. You have your steering wheel, your brake pedal, and your gas pedal. Maybe, if the guy is going quick enough, you can accelerate, get ahead of the car on your right and swerve into that lane to avoid a collision. Maybe, you can just slam on the brake. Maybe a hard brake combined with a slight swerve.
You evaluate the situation and react. You see the guy coming and have a pretty good idea what his intentions are. If you lay on your horn, things may change. He too has three options and your horn signals him to utilize one, or all three of them. Now it's much harder to guess the outcome.
If you can't avoid a wreck then laying on your horn does give some satisfaction. At least that S.O.B. will look when he hears your horn and see it coming. If you want to teach someone a lesson then stay off the horn, the brake, or the steering wheel. Sailing into someone at thirty miles an hour is something they won't soon forget.
My buddy Phil was waiting behind some idiot who didn't go the second the light changed. Instead of a little toot to wake the guy up, Phil laid on his horn. The guy didn't go, he, instead, got out. I won't say what he did but now, whenever Phil has a little gas everybody knows it.