Sports Series 1

It is October  6, 2010 and, if you're like me, the first thing that comes to mind is water skiing. I know!. If you've never been, I can give you some tips. The first and foremost is of course, don't go. If you insist, then you need to know a couple things. Water skiing is primarily done on water. Sometimes, in an effort to impress the girls, you might get a little too close to the beach and find yourself involved in sand or gravel skiing. This activity should be reserved for the more advanced skier and is rarely successful when attempted by a beginner. It does, however, have a great effect. Believe me, chicks never expect to get sprayed by dirt while sunbathing.

First, get a boat, then some rope and some skis. A good life jacket, and several friends that are excellent swimmers is also a good idea. Now, get in the water. If you are in the southern states watch for snakes. If in the north, snakes aren't a problem. They, unlike humans, don't often indulge in 40 degree water. Now, put on your skis. This process can take up to 30 minutes for a beginner, especially if he/she finds it difficult to expel water from the lungs. Once the skis are attached, grab the rope. It will be anywhere from 17 to 40 yards off to your left or, in some cases, right. Bend the knees, make the skis perpendicular to the water and hold the knees together with your forearms. Scream hit it.

I should have told you the part about letting go of the rope if you fail to get up. Sorry about that. Take a few minutes to compose, expel water from your lungs, and allow the concerned people in the boat to stop laughing. This time remember that you are in water. If you try to stand your feet will go out from under you, kind of like that time you tried roller skating in front of those chicks from high school and the ambulance had to come. We won't go into that. Wait until you feel the water slapping your butt. It's kind of cool but don't just  sit there and enjoy that, people will think you're odd. Stand up. You are skiing!

That whoosh whoosh noise you heard just before you nearly drowned was what experienced boaters call the wake. Somebody should have told you about that. It sneaks up behind a beginner, grabs you by your ankles, and throws you out of the water so your head is the first thing to smash back into the brine. I know that term usually refers to salty water but it's kind of cool like pirate or mizzen-mast and I had already used the term water once in that sentence and everybody at my writer's group yells at you when you say things like water more than once in a sentence.

Now you know how to water ski. You're welcome. I intend to do a series on all the various sports. Ask anybody that knows me and they can tell you, "That Jerry knows sports." They won't, but they could if they wanted to.

Driving tip:  Smoke tells a story. If you ever notice something odd coming out of your exhaust check the color. White means water. You have a head gasket leak, a cracked block, I'm not sure, but it's probably pretty sinister. You need to get that checked out. Blue means oil. You have bad valve seats, bad rings, a broken piston, I'm not sure but it could be something serious. Maybe your engine was cold and some oil leaked into the cylinder. I think you should worry a little. Black means fuel. You are running too rich, have a bad oxygen sensor, a stuck choke, I'm not sure, but you might get that fixed. Really loud and red means back fire. You have a bad timing belt, open exhaust valve, loose distributor, I'm not sure, but that is something you might investigate further. Be careful out there.