Soccer

Эй вы, русские, спасибо за чтение моего блога.
Slow down now, I am not going to write the whole thing in Russian. I just wanted to thank those guys over there for reading my stuff. I hope I said what I wanted to, I trusted Google translator and have no idea what the first part says, really.
Language is peculiar. Remember when you were one and it sounded like everybody was talking gibberish so you talked a little gibberish and everyone said how cute you were? Then you got older and thought they were making sense and finally you grew completely up and realized that you were right when you were one. Full circle.


I wanted to talk about sports some more and let you know what sort of person is drawn by a particular sport. For instance, If you like football you tend to eat a lot of nachos and are probably a beer drinker. You like telling other people how to do things when they can't really hear you and you probably own some ridiculous shirts. If you like baseball, you eat a lot of nachos and...Actually, all sport enthusiasts are exactly the same except golfers. If you like golf you are a liar. You're lying to me, all your friends, and most importantly, yourself. Nobody likes golf. If you participate, you have serious issues with your mom and are a little bit of a masochist. That's right, a masochist. You like pain and anguish while getting screwed by a sport that could not care less about your physical and emotional needs. 


All sports have officials except golf. Oh yeah, some guy in a plaid dress carries some bagpipes around and acts all important but who calls the fouls? You do. If you lie about a particular shot, maybe take a Mulligan, then your mom is right there, sitting on your shoulder, going "tisk, tisk", and pointing her chubby little, or long, bony finger at you. You don't see a 110th yard in football or a fifth base, there is no beyond the blue line or the other side of the key, but there is a nineteenth hole isn't there. Saddened people trying to drown out their mothers. If you ever meet someone who brags about being a five handicap you now know that you are really looking at a person who does not respect their mom. Do you really want to associate with that type?


Be careful that you don't overload with sports information like me. If you get too much you get confused. The other day I was drying my hand off at the line of scrimmage on lane five. The guy in lane seven began running toward the foul line. No one blocked me at all and I hit him just below his hips. He had that 14 pound Black Diamond back , just ready to toss it,  and he fumbled. I thought I would be a big hero but everyone just stared like I had done something stupid. Go figure. Stupid would have been that time the guy on lane nine lofted the ball toward the goal and I ran across four alleys, dived through the air, and took it out with my head. 


Driving tip:  Don't ever let someone else make driving decisions for you. If it is raining or icy out and most people seem to be going faster than you, do not speed up. They don't know how your tires are, the condition of your suspension or least of all your personal capabilities. Stay in your own comfort zone. If you are holding them up, get out of the way, go down an off ramp and up the on to give them a chance to go on down the highway. Be courteous, be safe and keep your paint in good shape.