What Did He Say?

Remember when you were a kid and your mom asked you to try and do a better job cleaning your room but it came out, "I wish we would have stopped having kids when your sister was born." and so you didn't get too excited and resolved to hope she didn't check your room anymore? If you didn't, you should have learned then that people don't always say exactly what they're thinking. For instance: Your boss might want you to pay better attention to the details of your work. It will sound like, "Get your head out of your ass or find another job." Your barely teenage daughter might want to experience debauchery and sin untold..."Can I stay at Mary Joe's tonight Daddy?" And you know your son is up to no good whatsoever if he hits you with..."Morning Dad." You can always tell about a son.

Armed with this knowledge about humanity's tendency to be vague about true intent you will be better prepared when a politician says, "I will fight for you." ( I can make a lot of dough if you are stupid enough to elect me.) or someone says, "Excuse me." ( I didn't think that fart would be that loud.) or...

"Are you OK?" (Man, if this person isn't OK I will be able to save them and be some big hero and they probably have millions that no one knows about and will reward me and I will be able to get a better handle on my daughter and more control over my son's future and be able to tell my boss where to get off and my mom will wish she stopped having kids before my sister and resumed again just after and I can get thicker, more sound absorbing underwear and life will be good.)

"Yeah, I'm OK, thanks." (I don't have any money but I was a little impressed at the volume of your anal outburst and I really don't want you touching me just now.) 

"I'm glad. I was worried about you." ( Shit, I knew this loser didn't have any money and he probably didn't even hear what I did a few seconds ago...it wasn't that loud, I'm just being self conscious.)

"I'm fine, really, thanks again Sister Theresa." (In church? Puts a whole new spin on 'Sound the trumpets'.)

"Go in peace." ( There is no way he heard that. Why would whoever is writing this portray me as a nun when they just suggested through my thoughts that I had a son and a daughter?)

"Bye." (I hope I can keep a straight face when Father O'Shay refers to her as a windbag and I doubt if anyone will catch the part where I said she had a son and a daughter.)

See what I mean? People never say exactly what they're thinking. (I'm sure glad they are reading this instead of hearing it. That would sure be embarrassing. I think I need some tissue.)

Driving tip: Winter tries to get you anytime you drive. If you experience ice, you need to bring up everything you know about physics. A corner you might easily negotiate at sixty miles an hour when dry becomes a challenge at 40 when ice gets involved. A two hundred foot stopping distance might triple or, if you're going downhill and lose traction, you may not be able to stop at all. The key to corners, hills and driving in general in winter is traction. Lower your speed, increase your following and stopping distances. If your car loses its grip and starts sliding, steer in the direction of the slide. Get your front tires back in front. If you leave the road and careen down a hill it is much better to be able to steer your way around a tree than to be sideways and get your paint all messed up. In the north there is usually some sand on the shoulders left over from the previous storm. Remember that. Be careful and leave the cell in your pocket.