Stacked Deck

Your wife always has to be the correct one, the smart one, and you just have to sit there and take it?  

Remember that time you had that excruciating pain in your lower right back and no matter what you did you couldn't get relief? You tried laying on your side, walking, sitting straight, laying on your belly, holding your breath, crying a little, nothing helped. Then your wife said, "You need to see a doctor." Well, you figured she's a nurse, she knows what she's talking about so you called the doctor and they had an opening next Thursday at ten o'clock and you said, "I'll be there."

Remember how all day Tuesday, all night, and again all day Wednesday the pain was so severe you didn't think you could bear it but your wife rolled her eyes at you Monday when you told her you were getting in to the doc on Thursday and then she said, "I meant you need to go right away. Didn't you tell them you were in pain?" Remember how you needed to show her what a he-man you are and maybe you're not an idiot so you rolled your eyes at her and said you were handling it? How clever were you to run to the refrigerator, grab that onion and start chopping it up so the tears would seem natural. She asked why you were doing that and you told her, " I'm a man, I feel we need to be prepared. If we decide to make spaghetti some night the onions will be all ready and you'll feel pretty silly about asking such a ridiculous question."

She suggested you had kidney stones and maybe should go to the emergency room. You insisted you were fine and went into the backyard, in the corner, behind the tree and lay in the grass rocking back and forth a little making a deal with God so you wouldn't die and look like a fool in your wife's eyes. If only you weren't suffering so, if only you would have gone to the doc right away. If you had been thinking and not married her 35 years ago you wouldn't be in this spot right now. It was all her fault and now here she was watching TV while you just made a deal to be a, "Better person?" God isn't stupid, he'll remember you said that and how the hell are you going to pull that off? You know your capabilities and... Wait a minute, He's God, he knows I'm, I mean you're, full of crap, or maybe kidney stones, he won't hold it against me, I mean you.

Thursday morning you're suffering receded. You felt pretty good and by the time you got in the examination room you had a hard time pointing out where the pain actually was. The doctor, summing all his years of education and experience, decreed the most necessary thing you could do at that point was pee in a bottle. You shook your head, you could have peed in a bottle at home, you hadn't done that since junior high, or was it high school? Anyway you were pretty sure you could get it done. He gave you a glass that didn't resemble a bottle at all but you're pretty sharp, you figured it out and only got a little on the side and just a drop or two on the floor. You washed everything up and worried that the nurse would suspect the bottle was wet from something other than water. She's a nurse, stop it!

The doctor came back with a professional, "Your wife was right, you had kidney stones but there really isn't a lot I can do for you now that you're...better." I bet she put him up to that, you thought as you went home.

A couple of months ago I had a slight pain in the same area of my back. More of a discomfort than pain but then I got real nauseous and, after throwing up, explaining to Carol that I might have kidney stones again, and watching her as she marched me to the car, I decided to go get looked at. I told her I obviously could handle kidney stones but could she hurry just a bit. She said this didn't seem like stones to her and hurried, just a bit. I rolled my eyes knowing everything there is to know about me and kidney stones but let her worry if that made her happy.

When we got to the ER (That's medical talk for encroach rectum. I think they use the definition: to advance gradually beyond the usual or desirable limits, when applying this term in a medical capacity.) When we got to the ER they took out my appendix. The point of all this is that no matter what, even hospitals will go to any length to prove your wife correct. She just might be the correct one, the smart one, maybe you should just sit there and take it. Just be glad you married her and aren't in her shoes, stuck with you.


Driving tip:  The best way to warm up your car is to fire it up, throw it in gear and go. That's true. Letting it run, especially on a cold day at fast idle is actually harder on your vehicle than driving it. The trick is, when your car is cold and even on a hot summer day your engine, transmission, differential, wheel bearings... all mechanical things that need lubricant, are cold. You need to start slow. Only for a few blocks but till then drive the thing like your grandmother wished you would. After a few blocks you're good to go.